Secrets Nerver Shared
by MerDer25
Summary: What if there was a reason Meredith was so Dark and Twisty and living under a banner of avoidance. A reason no one ever knew. Can she tell Derek? Can they put everything behind them once the secret is out?
1. Bless The Broken Road

Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Help: I need help with making a signature for this fic? Can anyone help me? Please? Xxxx

Note: Hey guys, as some of you may remember, this was my first fic that I ended up giving up on but it is has been bugging me recently so I came back to it and tweaked a little bit of it. I really hope you all enjoy! This fic is post Season 4 Episode 4, 'Heart of the Matter'.

Enjoy…

Secrets Never Shared.

'Bless The Broken Road'

_I set out on a narrow way many years ago_

_Hoping I would find true love along the broken road_

Derek was driving home, playing the speech he had given Meredith over and over in his mind. He knew he should have felt bad for the way he had left it but oddly enough he didn't. He could not and would not feel guilty for trying to wake Meredith up. He would not be made to feel guilty for wanting a future with Meredith or for telling her so. However, he did feel guilty for hurting her by talking with her estranged sister. But then, who else could he talk to. Mark? Richard? Christina? He had tried to talk to Mark but things were still awkward and he had his own whoring problems going on with the surgical nurses. He couldn't talk to the Chief as he seemed to be going through his own personal problems with Adele and he definitely couldn't talk to Meredith's 'person' for one simple reason – she hated him.

Lexie had been so easy to talk to, especially because a small part of her understood where he was coming from. She is desperate to get to know Meredith and Meredith will not allow it. It was understandable that they would talk to one another as circumstances seemed to push them together. If only the same could be said for him and Meredith. He wasn't attracted to Lexie and he never would be, especially now that he knew she was Meredith's estranged sister. It didn't matter anyway because he was in love with one woman and one woman only but he just wasn't sure that he was going to be able to spend the rest of his life with the love of his life by his side. There was only one thing he could be sure of in that moment- he wouldn't be hearing from Meredith in a while. She would do everything in her power to avoid him, no matter what the cost.

Derek had just parked the car at the trailer when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He couldn't believe his eyes when he realised he had received a text from Meredith. It just goes to show that even the great Derek Shepherd can get things wrong.

_But I got lost a time or two_

_Wiped my brow and kept pushing through_

_I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you_

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

Meredith lay in her bed, playing Derek's almost perfect speech over and over in her head. The words marriage, kids, house, dying at 110, each other, together was well and truly fixated in her brain.

Could she tell Derek the truth?

Could she explain to him the reason she lives under a banner of avoidance?

Could she open up and tell him why she can't be the person to give him his happily ever after?

_Every long lost dream led me to where you are_

_Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars_

She knew she had to. She knew she wanted to. Most importantly, she knew he deserved to know even if it meant losing the love of her life for good. With that thought, Meredith sent Derek a text asking him if he could drop round to the house as she had something important to tell him. Something that could not wait, although she desperately wanted to put it off. Unfortunately, he replied, saying he would be over within the hour!

_Pointing me on my way into your loving arms_

_This much I know is true_

The house was empty as Izzie and Alex were working night shift, Christina was at her apartment with Callie and Lexie and George were at Joe's. This meant Meredith had time to rattle about the big, empty house to prepare for what she must tell Derek and more importantly, prepare to his reaction of her revelation. She first went down into the basement, unlocked the old cupboard and pulled out a box in which she hoped would not have to be opened. She then went back upstairs to place the box in one of the kitchen cupboards in case it was needed. She then carried on up the stairs, threw herself on the chair by the window in her bedroom, trying to plan out how to even begin her conversation with Derek. All she knew was, it would end up with Derek walking away angry and hurt. No matter what, this would be the last conversation she would have with Derek outside of work and the thought of that mad her well and truly sick.

_That God blessed the broken road_

_That led me straight to you_

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

It was about 45 minutes later when Meredith heard a car pull up, outside the house and without looking out her bedroom window, she knew who it was. Trying to ignore the feeling of the bile rising from her stomach, she pushed herself off the chair in her bedroom and made her way downstairs. As she got to the bottom of the stairs, she could already see him through the glass door.

_I think about the years I spent just passing through_

_I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you_

"Hi," Meredith whispered shakily, showing how nervous she was. "Come on in."

"Thanks," Derek smiled, opening the door for himself. He was trying hard to keep his own nerves at bay. Her body language had just convinced him that she was definitely going to end it. Even though they weren't in a relationship, unless you could count S&M as a relationship. He tried to calm his nerves as he drove to Meredith's house but he couldn't because he tried to think of everything Meredith would need to talk to him about so urgently and could only come up with one conclusion – that she was about to break all contact with him.

_But you just smile and take my hand_

"Thanks for coming," she murmured, fidgeting with her hands, demonstrating how nervous she was. "I was just about to put the kettle on to make some coffee. Would you...uh...like some?"

"Love some," he nodded, thinking how he was going to need a large whiskey after this.

_You've been there you understand_

_It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true_

Meredith made her way into the kitchen and Derek followed. He watched as she made the coffee and put together a plate of biscuits. He tried to make eye contact with her while he sat at the table. They only made eye contact for a second and it was in that moment he knew that tonight was not going to end well.

Meredith brought over two steaming hot cups of coffee to the table, followed by a plate of Izzies' home made cookies and brownies. They both made a weak attempt to smile at each other to try and hide the tension they both new was building.

"Did you get a chance to scrub in with Richard after I left?" Derek asked, trying to make small talk.

"Yeah," Meredith sighed. "It was a good finish to what had started off as an awful day."

"I heard what happened with Sloan's patient," he informed her. "It wasn't your fault. It was Norman's. You shouldn't have taken responsibility."

"Yes, I should have," she whispered. "Norman was my responsibility today."

"Noble," Derek sighed.

"Hmm," she muttered, hating how awkward and unnatural this felt.

_Every long lost dream led me to where you are_

_Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars_

"So…" Derek started but soon realised he had no idea what to say.

"So," Meredith repeated.

"Meredith, what's going on?" Derek blurted out, not able to take the awkwardness anymore.

"Nothing," she reasoned, sounding a little defensive. "I just have something to tell you. Something you are definitely not going to like."

"How do you mean?" he questioned her.

"Your speech…Your speech got me thinking," Meredith whispered sadly.

"You make that sound bad," he muttered. "Got you thinking about what? The future?"

"Actually," she began hesitantly. "The past."

"So the reason you asked me here was to talk about our past?" Derek asked, unsure where this conversation was leading to.

"No…uh...The reason I asked you here…What i have to tell you is...well...um...you're not going to like. Its been a secret that i have kept, well i don't even think of it as a secret but somehow along the way it became a secret. It's something i haven't told you, Christina, Alex, Izzie, George. I tried and i wanted to but i couldn't. I can't explain why. I just...I just couldn't," Meredith rambled off, as Derek stared at her intently.

_Pointing me on my way into your loving arms_

_This much I know is true_

Meredith looked into Derek's piercing blue eyes and seen that she had his full attention because out of all the scenarios he had built in his head, this was not the way he imagined the conversation starting – with a confession.

"Meredith, whatever it is, you can tell me," Derek assured her. "You can trust me," he added pointedly.

_That God blessed the broken road_

_That led me straight to you_

Derek could see the pain in Meredith's eyes, the moment he made the comment and instantly regretted it. Although, all he could focus on was what was so painful for her to tell him. Nothing could possibly be that bad? Could it?

"You know, maybe this was a bad idea," Meredith sighed, letting her nerves get the better of her.

_Now I'm just rolling home_

"Meredith," Derek whispered gently, reaching forward to squeeze her hand but Meredith pulled it away instantly, leaving him feeling dejected. "Just tell me."

_Into my lover's arms_

"I wish it was that easy," she smiled sadly. "I wish it was that simple. But what this all comes down to is a promise i made to someone very important to me many years ago. It's a promise that i cannot and will not break."

_This much I know is true_

"I don't…"

"Please Derek," she pleaded. "If I'm going to do this, I need you not to interrupt."

"Okay," he nodded, seeming to understand.

_That God blessed the broken road_

"Before, i explain…well…what I'm about to explain… i need you to know that…that this was never about not…not, well, not loving you or…or trusting you because Derek i still love you, i still trust you. It was never about that," Meredith rambled off, already put off by the stunned expression on Derek's face." What I'm going to tell you is going to make you angry…really angry and I know you're going to feel hurt and confused and more than likely you will end up storming out of this house, never speaking to me again…"

"Meredith," Derek interrupted, already looking confused and hurt.

_That led me straight to you_

"No interrupting," Meredith scolded lightly, gripping tightly onto her coffee mug to stop her hands from fidgeting with her watch. "I don't need you to understand this Derek. I just need you to know that im sorry for not telling you because more than anything i want to be able to share this with you. I really do. If…or should I say when you walk away tonight, at the very least i want you to walk away with the understanding of why I am the way i am- dark and twisty, living under a banner of avoidance..."

_That God blessed the broken road_

"Meredith..." Derek trails off in a pleading voice.

"Ok...Ok..." she nodded hesitantly, knowing she was putting off the inevitable.

_That led me straight to you_

Meredith looked at Derek. He gave her that Mcdreamy smile and sympathetic head tilt which is all she needed to continue, finally realising it was now or never.

"Do you remember when you took Addison back and you spoke about what the rings symbolised?" she questioned gently, knowing that bringing Addison up at a time like this was not her best move.

"Meredith," he sighed, exasperated. "What the…"

"Please Derek?" she pleaded.

When Derek seen Meredith look at him with desperation for him to answer, he realised she hadn't brought up Addison out of any form of nastiness or to throw her in his face.

"Okay," he whispered. "The ring symbolised a promise that we had made to one another."

"Exactly!" She almost screamed, nearly jumping out of the chair. "Well, funny enough, i understood where you were coming from because…well…you see… several years ago i made a very big...uh... important promise to a... young boy...

"What young boy?" Derek questioned gently, feeling completely lost.

Meredith looked at Derek with tears in her eyes and realised there was no going back now. She had to see the conversation through whether she wanted to or not.

"My son…" she trailed off, with tears in her eyes.

_That God blessed the broken road_

_That led me straight to you._

Enjoy? Please let me know. For all those who comment will be sent aTEASER!


	2. Revelations

Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

NOTE: This update is an emotional one and was really hard to write. I only hope you want to continue to read! Thank you to those who read and commented on the first update!

Secrets Never Shared.

Revelations!

Meredith knew she had Derek's full attention with the shock expression that was written all over his face. There was no going back now. She made sure, as hard as it was, to keep eye contact with Derek. To not look down and fidget with her watch.

"I'm sorry," Derek stuttered out. "What did you just say?" Derek's mind was spinning – This was not happening. This could not be happening. There must be a mistake.

"I don't know if you remember me talking…."

"I'm sorry. Did you just say you have a son?" Derek asked, knowing he wasn't going to be able listen to her ramble.

"I don't know if you remember me talking about Daniel, an ex-boyfriend i met in med school," she started, deciding to ignore Derek's question. "He was a couple of years older than me but that…that didn't seem to bother us. Anyway, we were that…you know, that madly in love couple in college that nobody wanted to be around in case they caught the infectious love bug. I was young, naive and stupidly convinced i was in love. Of course, what sealed the deal was my mother hated him." She laughed bitterly.

Meredith could feel Derek's intense gaze on her and it took all her strength to push through.

"We barely spent any time apart. I loved and trusted him with my whole heart..." Meredith couldn't help notice Derek wincing at these words but she decided to ignore it and continue. She didn't want to hurt him but she couldn't lie.

"...People use to talk about how we were joined at the hip. We were inseparable. We had already been together two years, when I was in my third year and he was in his fifth, i discovered...uh... i was pregnant," she broke off with a wince. This was already becoming impossible and she had a lot more to tell him.

"Meredith," Derek sighed, well and truly confused. "Why didn't you tell me you had a child?"

"Because I don't," Meredith whispered painfully, avoiding eye contact.

"What?" Derek exclaimed. "I don't…I don't understand…"

"Derek," Meredith pleaded sadly. "Please just let me explain."

Derek nodded because he knew if he wanted to know, he'd have to let her tell him in his own time.

"I couldn't quite believe it. I ended up doing nine home pregnancy tests to be sure. All of them...all of them positive. I couldn't believe it. My first reaction was to do a typical Meredith Grey- run and hide. But...i don't know...something inside me stopped me from doing so. I can't even explain it. When i first told Danny, he was...he was… ecstatic, overjoyed. I actually remember thinking that you would have to create a whole new word for the way he felt," she rambled, unable to hide the disdain from her voice.

Derek desperately wanted to reach over and squeeze her hand and try and make her make eye contact with him but he knew if he did then he could ruin it and she would end straight back in her shell.

"And i...and i...i don't know... his happiness, somehow along the way, became infectious, i guess. The next thing i know, my mind was on baby names, nursery colours, birthdays, Christmas'. Somehow, i always knew it was going to be a boy. Call it a good guess or mother's intuition, but i knew. I knew that seven months from then we were going to be parents to a baby boy. Although that was a scary thought, it was a good scary. We were happy. I am pretty sure i don't have to tell you how the Ellis Grey took it. As for Danny's parents...they never approved of our relationship. Seen me as a gold digger," she explained, staring off into the distance. She had to stop and take some deep breaths, otherwise she would end up having a panic attack and that was the last thing she wanted to happen in front of Derek.

Derek took a couple of sips of coffee to see if that would help him digest what Meredith was saying as well as keeping him calm.

"Danny's father owns a chain of restaurants and hotels worth millions of dollars. They thought i was in the relationship for money. Daniel's father never approved of him going into medicine. He wanted him to help run the family businesses. When he refused...well, uh...that put a big strain on the father and son relationship, then there was the disapproval of dating me and then, of course us telling him that i was pregnant was the icing on the cake," she explained.

"That can't have been easy," he whispered sympathetically.

"For both his parents, me being pregnant was like conformation to them that i was a gold digger. That i somehow planned the pregnancy to trap their precious Danny for the money." Meredith rambled. She had to stop due to the unshed tears she could feel in her eyes and the big, fat lump that was stuck in her throat. She looked to Derek, who had a look of shock and uncertainty about him. He just nodded his head to urge her to continue.

"They...uh…they disowned the both of us which just racked me with guilt. I didn't want to be the reason that came between him and his parents. Danny was great though, he said it didn't matter because...i was his family...the baby was his family. We didn't need them." Meredith was now chocking back sobs.

Derek couldn't stand to see hear like this, so despite how confused he felt, he decided to get up and fetch Meredith a cold glass of water. He returns to the table, handing Meredith the glass and sits in the seat next to her. He places one hand on her back to rub up and down soothingly and the other he uses to take hold of her free hand which is now trembling frantically He gently gives it a squeeze to reassure her that he is there. Despite how angry and confused he felt, he would not allow her to sit in that state in front of him without comforting her.

"It's ok. It's ok. Just slow deep breaths Meredith. Slow. Inhale and Exhale. I'm right here and not going anywhere. Just slow deep breaths." Derek said, pain and worry evident in his voice. He was getting concerned.

Meredith's breathing was rapid. She was literally fighting for air. Derek knew what Meredith had to tell him must be difficult.

Did she have a miscarriage?

Did she end up giving the child up for adoption?

Was she forced to do something that she didn't want to do?

While Derek wandered off in deep thought, Meredith's breathing finally regulated. Derek was brought back from his thoughts when Meredith finally spoke up.

"Thanks." Meredith said, attempting a smile. Derek looked at Meredith's now puffy, red face and tried to remind himself that this was his Meredith. Whatever she had to tell him, they would get through it.

"You are very welcome." Derek whispered, trying to sound charming, also attempting to smile back. He gave her hand another squeeze, in which she reciprocated. "Just take your time. I'm not going anywhere." Derek had now found his voice and was using a strong, firm tone.

"You say that now…" Meredith stated just above a whisper.

"Meredith!" Derek used a warning tone, urging her not to talk like that. He hated that she thought so little of herself. She just couldn't seem to see what he seen in her.

"Ok...ok...Where was i? Gold digger. Right. Well...uh...ok." Meredith inhales deeply, takes a firm grip of Derek's hand. He smiles warmly at her and she continues. "Like i said, the pregnancy was the final straw. Danny was adamant we didn't need them. It was a stressful time. We were juggling medical school with hospital appointments, both of us working two jobs to keep up with the rent and the bills from our two bedroom apartment. Times were hard. But Danny…Danny refused to ask his parents for money and he most certainly didn't want me asking mum." Meredith continued.

"It got to the stage that the only time we spent together was at the hospital appointments because along with school and studying, we had to pick up as many shifts as possible. Mum, as much as she disapproved, sent money. I kept that from Danny though. He would have hit the roof if he had known. He always saw it as hand outs, pity money. I knew mum was sending the money to make sure we were ok but i think she secretly hoped that i would wake up, smell the coffee, leave Danny and terminate the pregnancy. I don't think she really, looked closely to see how happy i was with Danny. Mine and mum's relationship was strained before the pregnancy but unlike Danny and his parents, me and mum were still on speaking terms…" she trailed off when she felt Derek's hand squeeze her tightly, knowing that her mum was an extremely touchy subject.

"Anyway, i was in my four month of pregnancy when i collapsed at work. I remember being rushed to hospital in an ambulance. The manager at the restaurant contacted Danny for me. I was in one of the trauma rooms at Boston General when Danny arrived. Everything was a blur. All i remember is the fear, the fear that i was going to lose my baby. The fear that was in Danny's eyes terrified me. However, once the OB/GYN came in, attached the monitors and we heard the heartbeat, a small sense of relief washed over us. Although, that didn't last long. The doctors said i was suffering from exhaustion and that i had dangerously high blood pressure," she whispered. She tried to compose herself as best she could before she continued.

"That must have been terrifying for you and for…Danny," he whispered, trying to sound sympathetic but all he felt was anger that Meredith really had to shoulder so much on her own. How could anyone consider that fair?

"I was in the hospital for a week and then told to continue bed rest at home for a further fortnight. The stress of it all put a huge strain on my relationship with Danny. He was slipping away from me which in a way doesn't make any sense because he spent every bit of energy he had hovering over hovering. He was so focused on making sure the baby was ok which was understandable. Eventually, we started having big arguments. Because i was on bed rest, he was dealing with his own college work, collecting work for me and doing many shifts at the bar and at the doctor's surgery as he could. There was then the added stress of him due to start placement at the hospital. I was growing really, really worried and...and...He kept saying that he was ok and there was nothing for me…for me to worry about," she whispered, with a pained expression.

"But you knew there was?" Derek questioned, having a horrible feeling of where this was going.

"Yeah," she smiled sadly. "However, i had a huge fear that I couldn't shake off as i felt it right in the pit of my stomach. Ever since i told Danny i was pregnant, he wouldn't touch me, he wouldn't hold me, and we wouldn't cuddle the way we used to. It was as if he was afraid that if he touched me...if he touched me, i would break...break into a million pieces." Meredith rambled trying to fight the bile that was shooting up from her stomach.

Derek gave her hand a tight squeeze. He took a close look at her pale skin, the puffy, red, swollen bags under her eyes. She looked scared and exhausted. This worried him more. "Are you ok?" he asked sincerely. Meredith simply nodded and took a few sips of water to try and keep the bile down. She wanted this over with. She wanted everything out in the open. Derek spoke up again "If you don't want or can't..."

"No." Meredith interrupted him, looking straight into his eyes. He was being so kind and sincere but she couldn't help but wonder is he going to be the same once he knows the whole truth. She needed to get this over with- whatever the outcome.

Looking into his eyes, she continued. "Anyway, the week before i was due to go back to the hospital; Danny was at college when the phone rang, so i answered. It was Danny's boss from Costco. He asked for Danny, i told him he wasn't in and then he told me to tell him that he was sorry that things didn't work out. I wondered what the hell he was talking about. He, unknown to me, was referring to the fact Danny had been fired three weeks ago," Meredith explained, clearly angry.

"And he didn't tell you?" He asked quietly.

"No," she laughed bitterly, before sipping on her coffee, trying to stop herself from being sick. "Apparently, for the previous four months he had only being shown up for the odd shift here and there and even at that his temper was very short with people resulting in him punching a customer. I actually remember laughing when he said this because i couldn't believe Danny would do that, not my Danny."

"That wasn't fair of him to do that to you," Derek told her. "Irresponsible."

"His boss wished me all the luck in the world for when the baby was born. When I came off the phone, my concerns and suspicions grew. Why would Danny punch a customer? Why didn't he tell me he lost his job? Where had he been over the past three weeks when he said he was working at Costco? How were we managing to pay the bills when i wasn't working and he was only working one job? I hunted the apartment, looking for some sort of sign and that's when i came across them. Letters from the landlord to say we were two months behind in the rent. We were behind with all the bill payments," she muttered with anger. "Then i found the almighty letter saying that if we didn't have the rent money we owed the landlord then we were to be out by Friday. I couldn't control my anger. Why would he keep something like that from me?"

"Of course you were angry," he sympathised, not knowing what else to say.

"So...uh...forgetting all about the bed rest. I got dressed, jumped on the bus and headed for campus. When i got there, i ...uh...knew something was wrong. I knew something funny was going on. I knew what i was about to find out, i wasn't going to like. I ran into Jessie, who was a close friend to Danny; they were in a lot of the same classes together. She was friendly. However, when i ran into her, something was off. She was being odd .She was asking how me and the baby were. When i mentioned Danny, she flinched. She told me she was leaving the class early because she had an appointment. I knew she was lying. She said Danny was still in class and i should go home and wait for him there. Then Rory came running up. He let slip how the class was cancelled as the lecturer was still off sick. Jessie's face went as red as a beetroot. I asked him if he had seen Danny and he said that he had just seen him heading for Julie's office to discuss some paper. Jessie's face said it all. I knew when i went to Julie's office. I knew what I was going to see. I will...eh...spare you the gory details of what i seen but it all came out that he had being seeing her for over a year," she laughed bitterly.

"I'm so sorry Meredith," Derek exclaimed, pulling her in for a light hug but it wasn't long before Meredith was pulling out of it.

"You get it," she stated with a shrug.

"Yeah," he smiled sadly, still keeping his arm around her shoulder. "Yeah, I get it."

"I felt...i felt...and looked so stupid. I was so embarrassed. I got a cab home and once, i got there, i packed all the stuff i could carry and i left. He tried to stop of me of course, telling me how sorry he was and how we could get passed this. We just needed to focus on each other. But i couldn't...i couldn't look at him, never mind sit and listen to his excuses. Anyway, i left and never looked back. I managed to get myself a two bedroom flat, i returned to work and was back at college. I still had the money mum sent me to use for emergencies and that helped a lot. The baby was doing great. My blood pressure was still a little high so i was at my OB/GYN once a fortnight. I called and left messages for Danny about the hospital appointments. As much as i hated his guts, i would never stop him from seeing his child. I left messages on his mobile about three different appointments and for those three appointments, he never showed."

"Bastard," Derek muttered under his breath.

"I phoned Rory who eventually told me that he was in the Caribbean with Julie and her daughter. I literally felt the knife being jammed right into my back. I couldn't believe he was so callous. After that, i decided there would be no contact unless he initiated it. I got on with life, socialising with my friends, working at college, working shifts in the bar and the restaurant. The baby was doing great. I was seven months pregnant when i decided to come and visit mum, here in Seattle. We had just finished for summer. She was surprisingly nice, encouraging me to put my feet up which i gladly followed her advice as i was the size of a swollen, hump back Whale. We were weirdly having a fantastic time. She was so supportive. She wanted to feel the baby move and to go baby shopping. She was genuinely excited about becoming a grandmother. I have never seen her as happy as she was in that week. She even took a week off of surgery to spend time with me...me! Everything was surreal. One day...one day, mum got paged to the hospital; i decided to go to the grocery store to get things for dinner. I was standing in the tinned food aisle when i began to feel really funny. Dizziness came on out of know where. I then looked down and that's when i saw...i saw ...i saw my blood over the floor of the supermarket. I remember hearing screams but then...then everything went black..." Meredith had fresh tears pouring down her face. Derek tried to wipe them away with his free hand, as well as trying to hold back his own tears, but it was no use as the tears kept flowing. "...and i...i...i…" Meredith was now uncontrollably sobbing.

"Just slow down, calm down, deep breaths. I am right here." Derek was saying as he pulled Meredith into a tight hug, having one arm firmly around the front of her waist and the other he was gently rubbing up and down her back trying to soothe her and reassure her that he was right there with her. "Inhale and exhale. I've got you. I've got you." Meredith continued to sob into his chest for a further five minutes.

Slowly, her breathing regulated back to normal again. Derek helped place her back in her chair as her body was overtaken with trembling. It was like she had lost control of her body. Derek continued to use a hand to rub up and down her back while whispering reassuring words in her ear.

Eventually, Meredith was able to look Derek back in the eye again. His face showed concern and sincerity. "Meredith..."he tried to convince her to maybe stop this conversation for a while but was interrupted.

"No. I can do this. I...I can do this...uh...I know you must be wondering what the hell happened..." Derek nodded and smiled as she continued..."and now that i have started i need to finish. I have to finish."

Meredith paused for a second and then continued. "Ok…ok...like i said, everything went black. The next think i know i am waking up when i am being wheeled into the OR for a C-Section. I don't really remember much after that. When i woke up, i felt numb and i knew something was wrong. Mum was in my room waiting for me in my room to wake up. I took one look at her and knew by her body language that what i was going to be told...well...it was not going to be good. Mum was distant, cold and i couldn't make sense of it. She stayed in the corner of the room, refusing to make eye contact with me. I kept asking and asking her where my baby was."

"All she kept saying was that the doctor would be in to talk to me. When she said that, i remember a shiver going right down my spine. My hands wouldn't stop shaking yet i still felt numb and now i know why. My body was preparing me for what i was going to be told. The doctor came in and told me that i had a placental abruption; they couldn't get control of the bleeding and had to do an emergency C-Section. I was told that i delivered a baby boy, weighing a small 3lbs 2ounces. He was born with multiple problems. His kidneys weren't functioning properly, he was bleeding into the brain and to top it all, he had...he had a whole in is heart," she explained as the tears streamed down her face.

"The surgeons told me at best, he probably only had twenty four hours left. Once i was told that, i was adamant that i had to see him and be with him. I couldn't, not be. I couldn't have him die alone. I needed to be with him despite the fear of losing him. I knew he needed me. I remember mum mumbling something about having a surgery and sliding out the door as the nurses helped me into a wheelchair. Nurse Finster wheeled me up to the NICU. She wheeled me into the room where my son was and all i remember is the distinct smell of the alcohol wipes. It was extremely overpowering. My eyes landed on an incubator at the back of the room with this tiny, pale baby. My son. My son. He was small, weak but beautiful. The nurse left me alone with him but before she left, i asked if she would call Danny. I was lost in him. I couldn't bring myself to take my eyes off of him. He was amazing. I was told my son would be lucky to survive twenty four hours. The next thing i know forty eight hours have gone by, seventy two hours, a fortnight had gone by," she explained with a smile, despite the tears that were still streaming down her face.

"He was getting stronger," he murmured, coming to the conclusion Meredith must have decided to give him up for adoption.

"Each day, he was getting a little stronger, a little better, bit by bit, day by day. Danny and his parents were left hundreds of messages. I even resorted to calling the school and his work to pass on the message but he never got back. Max...i...uh called him Max...Max Grey. He was three weeks old when the neurosurgeon came into tell me that the bleeding in his brain had stopped. I thought i was going to have a seizure right there and then from the happiness. I was so proud of Max. I was the proudest mother alive. Max was beginning to put on weight. His kidney function was improving. He was getting stronger. I couldn't believe it," she smiled sadly.

"Max was three and a half weeks old and had many visitors from my friend's college to members of staff who i got to know growing up as most of my time was spent between school and the hospital. They all came to see him, apart from the two people who really mattered, his father and grandmother- Danny and my mum. I argued and argued with her to go and see him but the excuse was the same as always- i am due in the OR, I have back to back surgeries. She didn't want to go see him. At that point, i knew she had slipped back into the old, Ellis Grey, the one who constantly keeps her distance from those around her. But i couldn't waste my time worrying about her, Max needed her. He was getting stronger each day. The cardiologists were talking about operating once he had gained a little more weight. I could not waste time worrying about my mother slipping back into her old ways. I needed to focus on Max. At four weeks old, I was allowed to hold him for short periods of time. I was actually allowed to cuddle my own baby. That was the most amazing feeling in the world. It even trumps the excited feeling being in the OR. There is one better feeling than that, and that's when you have your child in your arms, who happens to have their eye's wide open and a firm grasp on your finger. Nothing beats that feeling. Nothing." Meredith was smiling at Derek and he was smiling back. This was one of the very few happy memories she had of her time with Max.

"I mean things were hard. It was difficult. But...oh... Derek, if you had met him, If you had seen Max, you would know that no matter how difficult things were, just being near him made you forget everyone and everything else in the world. Don't get me wrong, i was petrified, terrified. I had lived in the NICU since i first saw him. I never left his side for more than half an hour and even at that, i felt i was leaving him too long. I hated being away from him." Meredith had to pause before she continued. Derek still had a firm hold of one hand.

"I was holding Max, overjoyed that the day before he had his first nappy change. He was getting bigger and stronger. He was doing really well at five weeks old. On this particular day, i was cradling Max in my arms when i looked up and who was watching us through the window was Danny's parents. I didn't quite know what to think but what i did know was that they weren't here to see or show any concern about Max. The nurse helped me put Max back in his incubator. When i went into the hallway, you could literally cut the atmosphere with a knife. It was horrible. His mum hid behind her husband the way she always did. Never allowed to voice her opinion or react to anything, she wasn't allowed to move or breath without his permission. His father told me that he, his wife and especially Danny wanted nothing to do with 'this situation'. They wanted nothing to do with 'that in there'. At that point, he was pointing to Max's incubator through the glass window. I couldn't contain my anger anymore. How dare he refer to my son as 'that'? I knew yelling and shouting was not going to help but somehow i couldn't help it. They made me so mad. Danny made me so mad that he sent his father to be his messenger as he was too much of a coward. I started yelling then and there that we wanted nothing to do with any of them, that we did not need them. It was then that he threw a cheque for $20,000 for me to use as i wish, whether i use it to put him up for adoption and start my life over or to put in a trust fund for him," she rambled off, feeling more hurt than angry. Hurt for what they had done to Max.

"That is beyond…" Derek trailed off unable to find the words to explain how disgusting that was.

"I threw the cheque back in his face and asked the nurses to escort them off the premises. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that they could show no compassion for an innocent little baby. I may have been in the wrong but Max had done nothing wrong. He didn't deserve any of that. It wasn't fair." Meredith hap to gulp back the water to try and keep the bile from travelling up from her stomach. The thought of Danny's parents knocked her for sick. She has never met people so heartless.

"I loved my son. I was the proudest mother alive which is why i couldn't comprehend why people could be so callous when it came to him." Meredith started to breathe deeply, trying to control herself before she started hyperventilating again. This didn't go unnoticed by Derek.

She had a son. Meredith was a mum. How can a man just walk away from Meredith, his Meredith? How can he leave her alone with a sick child? What about Ellis? Derek was deep in thought as Meredith paused to regain her strength. Meredith could see this and decided to snap him back out of it before he started hitting her with questions.

"Max was six weeks old and was strong enough to go into the OR to repair the hole in his heart. I was anxious, scared, and nervous but i tried to see at as a good sign as he was getting stronger. I started to think about taking him home to Boston, him being in his nursery, taking him home to the park, his first word, his first steps. All these thoughts were in my mind as soon as he came out of the OR. The surgery was a success. I was so happy. Twenty four hours later, i nipped down to the canteen to get a cup of coffee...and...and that's when it happened. I got a dreaded page '911 NICU' I took the stairs, two at a time to the fifth floor. I bolted into the room. My mum was screaming orders at the nurses and cardiologist. He turned and looked at me and i knew what he was going to tell me. I watched them shock my son with the defibrillator but it was no use. Max Grey was pronounced dead at ...at 9.02am. "Meredith's body started to shake violently as the sobbing once again took over. Once again Derek took her in his arms, the difference being that now he was crying to.

I really need to know what you think of this.

Teasers are available!


	3. It Is What It Is

Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Thank you all so much for your encouraging comments! They all mean the world to me. I was as nervous about that last update as it was very hard and emotional to write but you have all been so kind and encouraging. Hope you enjoy this update and I'm sorry that it's a little shorter than usual. Xxx

Secrets Never Shared.

It is What It Is.

Derek held Meredith close as if he was hanging on for dear life. Meredith's sobs however, didn't seem to calm down, they were actually growing worse by the second sending Derek into a state of panic.

"Meredith, just take slow, deep breaths. In and out," he instructed. "In and out. I'm here. I'm right here." Derek said in the most calming voice he could, trying his best to assure her.

He kept one firm hand around her waist, holding her tight to him and used the other to gently rub it up and down her back, trying to sooth her as best he could. Although it didn't seem to be working as the next thing he knew, Meredith was pushing herself from his firm grip and making a dash out of the room and up the stairs.

Derek was right at her back as she darted into the bathroom, falling to the floor to throw up in the toilet. He held her hair back and placed a hand on her back. He wanted her to know he was there for her. He still couldn't rap his mind round what Meredith had just told him. Meredith is a mum. Was. Was a mum. Once again, one of the most difficult moments in a parent's life is losing a child and she had flown it solo. She went through that alone. How was any of this fair? How do you come back from something like that? Why didn't she tell him? This wasn't fair. She shouldn't have had to go through that.

Alone.

All alone.

Derek was pulled from his thoughts when Meredith decided to turn from the toilet and sit leaning against the bathtub. He took his cue and sat next to her, still holding her close. He couldn't help feel his concern grow when he looked at her pale features, even though she was trying to avoid eye contact. When she finally did, his concern grew for her even more, taking in the blood shot eyes as well as the heavy bags weighing under them.

"Why don't you go and get yourself into your pyjamas and lie in bed while I go and make us a cup of coffee?" Derek asked with a glint of hope in his voice, trying his best to mask his worry.

But Meredith didn't make any acknowledgement of what he said. She looked fragile and scared causing him to crouch up on his knees, putting one arm round her back and the other under her knees, lifting her and carrying her to the bedroom. He gently placed her on the bed where she automatically curled up into the foetal position as if to protect herself of what she knew what was to come. This was getting more painful for Derek to watch by the second although it was safe to say that he was still in a state of shock himself. He instinctively lay behind her, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tight to her chest to give her the assurance he was there.

The silence was deafening. Meredith lay there as limb as could be, making no movement at all. The only assurance that Derek had was her breathing which sounded shallower than normal. He kept a firm hold on her, not wanting to let go.

"She never coped with his death," Meredith stated with a pained voice.

"Who never coped?" Derek asked, slightly startled that she spoke.

"My mum never dealt with Max's death," she whispered, staring off into space. "She didn't know how to. When Max was pronounced dead, I was taken into a private room with him and I sat and rocked him on the rocking chair, singing him lullabies and telling him the things I needed to. I kept apologising for letting him down…"

"You didn't let him down," Derek whispered firmly.

"I did! I did let him down Derek!" she shouted, shaking violently. "You don't get it."

"What don't I get?" he prodded gently, holding her firmly against him to try and control the shaking.

"He's dead," she sighed, allowing the tears to flow down her cheeks. "A nurse asked mum if she wanted to come in and see him before… before he was taken to the morgue but she refused as she had an emergency appendectomy to perform on a young girl. She didn't know what to do - one minute, the grandmother in her would kick into action to try and revive her grandson to bring him back and then the moment Max was pronounced, I seen it in her eye's, the barriers were down and I knew that there was no hope of getting through to her or relying on her."

"Meredith…"

"She was back to being the Ellis Grey. The nurses were great. Although there were a couple who gave me the signature look of pity. Not what I needed to see. One nurse came in and took a couple of pictures of him and him and me together. She also gave me 2 sheets of card- one with his...his tiny little foot prints...and…one…with…with his tiny little hand prints. He…he…he was so, so tiny! It is my fault he's dead! It is my fault!" Meredith broke into sobs. Derek turned her body round, allowing her to find solace in his embrace.

Meredith buried her head in Derek's chest, letting the tears fall while allowing him to comfort and sooth her as best he could. Derek remained focused on murmuring comforting words in her ear. Truth be told, he was relishing in the closeness the two were sharing as she had never been more open with him as she was being now.

"Meredith, I have no doubt in my mind that you were an amazing mother, that you did everything you possibly could for Max, that you loved and nurtured him. You gave him the comfort he needed. You did everything you could. It wasn't you fault. Do you hear me Meredith? It was not your fault!" Derek stated firmly.

Meredith looked Derek in the eye for the first since they were talking down stairs. He could see the pain, sorrow and unmistakable grief in her eyes and she seen the love, affection, comfort and concern in his. He gently stroked her cheek as if to urge her to continue and she got the hint. He gave her an encouraging smile, one that she returned, although neither of the smiles quite reached their eyes.

"You're really not getting this are you?" Meredith smiled sadly.

"What am I not getting?" Derek asked, rubbing his hand up and down her back. "Whatever it is, just tell me," he pleaded.

"Leaving that hospital was the worst feeling in the world," she began. "I felt an overwhelming state of emptiness, along with many other things. He should have been coming home with me; no baby should be put in a box and placed in a morgue, away from their mother. It is not right and it is not fair."

"Of course it's not fair," he agreed. "You should have never had to have gone through that and I am just so sorry you did. But Meredith, it would be understandable that you felt so many conflicting emotions after such an ordeal."

"When I got home, I just lay on my old bed, the room was the exact same as it was from when I was a teenager. Lilac. Lilac was everywhere. I remember lying there for hours thinking about what could have been. Funnily enough, not one thought included Danny. Can you believe it wasn't until the next day that he actually entered my train of thought? That just made me feel…uh… unbelievably guilty. I should have called him straight away. Not that it mattered anyway," she whispered sadly.

"How do you mean?" Derek questioned, already knowing he wasn't going to like the answer.

"It took me hours to work up the courage to phone him, for him to turn round and tell me that maybe it was for the best, that being a single parent would never have been something I would have been capable of. He called it a blessing in disguise…"

"A what?" he asked, in complete shock causing him to squeeze Meredith to him tightly.

"A blessing in disguise," she explained, choking on a sob. "And maybe he was right but anyway, after that, I did the only thing that was left to do. Two days after Max had died, his funeral arrangements were made. I hadn't seen mum in that time. Apparently, there was a big car pile-up on the highway, there was no point in her coming home for her to be paged straight back to the hospital. The chief and Adele kept dropping in to make sure I was alright."

"Really?" he asked, quite surprised, considering Richard and Meredith never appeared all that close around the hospital.

"He was a great support Derek. He never gave me a pitying look. Constantly tried to make me laugh. At the time, he was my rock, a breath of fresh air. Adele ran around like mother hen, trying to get me to eat. She cleaned the house like there was no tomorrow and most importantly she was my shoulder to cry on. She was there when I cried myself to sleep; she was there when I woke in the morning." Meredith had barely stopped to take a breath in her ramble. Now another wave of sobs over took her body.

"Slow down Meredith, slow down. I don't need to find everything out at once. The fact you are willing to share this with me means the world with me but I'm not having you make yourself because of it. Take slow deep breaths, slow deep breaths. I'm right here. Inhale and exhale for me. Slow deep breaths," he instructed gently, hoping him being calm would somehow soothe her.

"I…I…I have to…"

"You have to what?"

"If I…if i don't tell you then I'm going to get scared and back out so I have to, I need to tell you. I've not even stopped to think or ask what you think or feel but I can't stop here Derek. I can't. If I stop, I really don't think that this is a conversation that you will be able to talk me into starting again, Derek. We need to have this…this conversation and we need to have it now."

"Okay, just remember that I'm here and this conversation can go as slow as you need it to. Don't worry about me here, Meredith because this only confirms what I already know- that you are, without one shadow of a doubt the most strongest, most amazing person I know…"

"Don't say that…"

"It is true. You are Meredith and what makes you even more special is that you don't see it. You can't seem to see how much of an amazing person you are, how popular you are, how many people love you…"

"Stop it!" Meredith sobbed.

"No, I will not stop. I will not stop. I am going to keep reminding you how special you are to me and everyone around us for the rest of our lives Meredith." Derek stated firmly, noticing her tense at this statement. "What?"

"You don't get it Derek. You just don't get it."

"I don't get what." His eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

"My mum never came home that week. She never attended his funeral. Neither did Danny or any of Danny's family. The church consisted of me, Adele, Richard, my first, second and third nanny, our old housekeeper, a couple of our neighbours, Will who was my best friend right through school, who's gay. He would call me his fag hag. People from me and Danny's group of friends came as well as a few of our lecturers. I did his eulogy as there was no one else there who was able to do it. I spoke about how I made him a promise when he was first born that I would never leave him, he would always remain the one constant in my life, and he would always and forever be number one. I would never let other things in life, work or money; get in the way of him. I promised him I would never become my mother. I was just never prepared that it would be him who left me." Meredith had to take a pause before continuing. Derek kept a firm hold of her.

"When everyone started to make their way back to the house, I stood at Max's grave, trying to overcome the shock of watching the tiny box being placed in the ground and covered in rubble. Adele said a lovely poem at the service and the choir sang some heart-warming songs. Apart from me, not one family member was at that service. Mum was operating, Thatcher had been non-existent for years, Danny was off with his mistress and as far as his parents were concerned, it was another day. Standing over my son's grave and knowing that my reality had also become his was soul destroying. My heart was once again being ripped in two. All we had is one another and the harsh reality was that we didn't even have that- not in the true sense."

"I did what I knew what I had to, the only thing I possibly could, the only thing that was left to do. I made him a promise that I swore I would never break. I promised him that even though he was gone, I would never forget him, I would never betray his memory, I would never move on from him. He always was and always will be the one constant in my life." Meredith broke into another fit of sob as did Derek. He couldn't wrap his mind around this.

Once Meredith had calmed down slightly, she looked into Derek's tear stained eyes and in the strongest voice she could, she asked "Derek, if I give you what you want, the house, the marriage, the kids, you dying in my arms at one hundred and ten, I would be breaking my promise to Max and I can't. I can't. I already broke my first promise to him. I...I can't break the second. If I marry you and have kids with you, what does that say about Max? It wouldn't be fair to you or to him. I can't break his heart and I won't break yours which is why we need to end us now. I've not been fair to you. I'm so sorry but I just…I just can't give you what you want." Meredith sobbed.

Derek was stunned!

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	4. Acceptance

Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Secrets Never Shared.

Acceptance.

Derek was stunned! How was he supposed to respond to that?

"Meredith, I…"

"If I were to move on and be with you, what would that say about Max?" she asked, gasping between sobs.

"Meredith, you moving on would not mean that you have forgotten about Max or that your feelings for him have changed just because you allow yourself to be happy. You can't…"

"I let him down once and I will not do it again!" Meredith stated rather forcefully, trying to pull out of Derek's tight grasp but was failing miserably.

"You didn't let him down. He was your son. You did more than what most mums would do…"

"Yeah right," she scoffed but Derek chose to ignore it.

"…You did more than what most couples would do. I have every faith that he knew how incredibly lucky he was to have a mum like you. Someone who is kind, loving, caring, who was right by his side to fight with him every step of the way and it's because of this," he rambled on until Meredith chose to interrupt once again.

"I have never heard so much bull in all my life," she muttered, clearly trying to distance herself from Derek.

"Meredith," he pleaded, desperate to get his chance to reassure her. "I know that he would want you to move on with your life. He would want to see his mum happy. He would want you to have a happily ever after. He would want to watch his siblings grow up with his mummy and his daddy…"

From the look of confusion on Meredith's face, Derek knew he had her full attention,

"Max was your baby; therefore he was a part of my life. You are the love of my life Meredith, meaning he is a part of my life, even if he is gone. His spirit and soul lives on in you."

"You…you would…consider him as…as your…baby…you would…think of him as your…son." Meredith sobbed while Derek laced their fingers together. As a sense of relief hit her, she once again, buried her head in Derek's chest. He was being so kind. She had kept this massive secret from him and he was still being really kind.

"Meredith, look at me."

She couldn't. She tried to lift her head from his chest but couldn't.

"Meredith. Look at me!" He commanded a little more forcefully. With that, she did. She looked into his deep pool of blue eyes that were bizarrely smiling back at her.

"Derek, you don't have to say…"

"He's a part of you therefore he's a part of me. Only if that's ok with you and your comfortable with that. I would kill Danny if I ever seen him. He didn't realise how lucky he had it. The fact that you went through that alone, Meredith…"

"I wasn't alone. I had Max," she smiled sadly.

"I know you did and he had you but you still should have had a support system for you and Max. That was not fair on either of you," he told her, unable to keep his opinion at bay.

"I know…Derek?" she questioned hesitantly.

"Yes?" He queried with a smile.

"I wish you could have met each other. You would have loved him and I have no doubt in my mind that he would have loved you," she smiled sadly.

"I wish that too," Derek told her honestly.

For a while they lay clinging to one another, enjoying the silence and the chance to clear their heads.

"Meredith?" Derek finally broke the silence.

"Yes?" she whispered, not really prepared for the question Derek was about to ask her.

"Is Max buried somewhere near here?" He noticed and felt how she became visibly tense at this statement. "It's ok if you don't…"

"No, no it's ok. He is buried in the crematorium nearest the hospital. I try and go around three times a week. It's easier when I'm on call. Nine times out of ten, I'll go there before heading home to get some sleep. I love going first thing in the morning. You probably think I'm crazy but I talk to him…"

"Not at all," he asserted. "I could never think that. It's good that you go and talk to him."

"I talk to him about the patients, what I have planned for the day. I talk to him about mum, Susan, Thatcher, Lexie, Doc, Christina, Izzie, George, Alex, you…"

"You talk to him about me?" Derek asked in surprise.

"Every time I see him!" She laughed lightly.

"Really?" Derek asked incredulously.

"Really…I…I tell him everything," she shrugged. "The good, the bad, the ugly."

Derek was slightly comforted by this. It offered him hope that Meredith was at least talking and not keeping everything bottled up inside. He knew that the next few days were going to be difficult as a lot more was to be said between them both but his faith had been restored. They could get through this. They are Meredith and Derek. Meredith snapped him out of his thoughts.

"What are you thinking? I'm so sorry. You must be so annoyed. I was so mean when Addison showed up and constantly had a go at you for keeping her a secret and now it turns out I had a secret, illegitimate son. Kind of ironic…"

"Stop it!" Derek admonished. "There is a big difference there. It was essential for you to know about Addison. She is somebody I should have been honest and upfront from the beginning with you, Max is somebody you should have told me about when you were ready, when you trusted me. There's a difference there Mer." He stated, knowing that she wouldn't be able to carry the extra guilt of not telling him.

"I was so scared," she admitted quietly.

"Why?" He asked bewildered.

"Because I gave you such a hard time for keeping Addison a secret and then when we got back together, I was so happy which made me feel so guilty and then on top of that was the guilt of you not knowing. I did try and tell you Derek. I swear. But I just couldn't. I was terrified that if I told you the truth, the whole truth. You would leave me…" she stated while tears glistened in her eyes.

"Oh, Mer." he said, "I never really gave you much of a reason to trust me. Did I? I can promise you though that I would never and will never leave you. I feel so lucky to have you in my life. You are an amazing women who has been through so much and yet you are still standing. You got up and carried on. I don't think you could even begin to imagine how proud I am of you. Max was a very honoured little baby to have you as a mum…"

"You really believe that?" Meredith queried.

"I do," he smiled. "He would want you to be happy Meredith. He wouldn't want to see you trapped in the past. He wants to see his mum happy. Let me make you happy. Let me in. Let me love you."

"I don't know," she whispered, unable to hide the uncertainty from her voice.

"Meredith, please," he pleads.

After a moment of silence, she simply sniffles "Ok."

"Ok?" He questions, not sure he heard correctly.

"Yes. I can't help but think that too. He would want me to be happy…He…He would want me to be happy with you." she cried.

Derek gave Meredith another few moments to pull herself together. He lay there enjoying the contentment that came with having her in his arms. However, he needed clarification of what this meant. He knew the answers to the next few questions held a lot of meaning for him.

"So, we're together, as a couple?" He questioned, terrified of her answer.

"Yes," she smiled slightly, warming Derek's heart.

"No more avoiding?" He pushed.

"I have spent my life living under a banner of avoidance," Meredith stated. "I can't promise anything but I will certainly try my best," she assured.

"I can accept that. As long as you try your best and know that I am here," he whispered. "No more getting kicked of bed at three o'clock in the morning?"

"No." she giggled, finally feeling a little lighter.

"We can actually go to the wine country this weekend and actually do some wine tasting? I can hold your hand when we walk around? We can eat dinner in the restaurant? And we can still have the sex and mockery?"

That got Meredith into fits of giggles to the point Derek had to tighten his grip before she fell off the bed.

"You still want to go…"

"Definitely!" He interrupted, leaving no room for argument, as he pulled her in for a searing kiss.

She eventually pulled back for air and looked into his bright blue eyes and said "Ok, we can go."

Derek pulled her in for a long, deep kiss, yet again, that spoke so many words to each of them. Meredith couldn't help but think how special this weekend could be for the both of them. It's what they needed. They deserved it. She knew that they still had many hurdles to overcome in their relationship but she couldn't help but think that they would make it.

"Hey, where did you go?" Derek asked, pulling her back from her thoughts.

"Just thinking," she confessed.

"Do you feel ok? You still look really pale. What's wrong?" he asked with concern.

"It's nothing." Meredith tried to smile but failed.

"Meredith? Please, tell me." he urged.

"I'm scared" she stated in a whisper but still audible enough for him to hear.

"What are you scared of?" he asked while soothingly rubbing his hands up and down the length of her back to encourage her to tell him what she was feeling.

"It's just…uh…you know what…it's nothing, I'm being silly," she retreated.

"Meredith," Derek warned. "No avoiding."

Meredith looked into Derek's eyes and even though he was smiling, she knew there was a pleading look in his eyes.

"It's just I was never that person who believed in happy ever after. Nobody ever really gave me a reason to believe in it. My reality in life is that people leave. Everybody leaves and…"

"…in loving me, you are frightened that I will leave you," he finished for her.

"It's just, you make me believe in happily ever after and to believe in that and believing in us means I have so much more to lose," she admitted in a whisper.

Derek nods in understanding. He takes a minute to contemplate his answer before stating "You are right but that is the risk we all have to take in life, Meredith. We don't have all the answers in life but if you love someone enough, trust someone enough, can forgive someone for the mistakes they make then you can take the risk. The question you have to ask yourself is, am I worth the risk? Are we worth the risk?" he asked trying to hide the nervousness in his voice.

Meredith could see the nerves and worry written on his face. This wasn't a question she needed time to think the answer to. "Yes, you are. Yes, we are." she smiled.

Derek cupped her face with both his hands and leaned in for a gentle kiss. "Thank you."

"What are you thanking me for?" she asked, confused.

"Everything," he smiled.

Meredith began to giggle before letting out a big yawn causing Derek to say "Right you, it's time to sleep. Both of us can leave tomorrow morning. We'll get there about lunch time and we can enjoy the countryside until Tuesday so we can be back for our shift on Wednesday."

"But…"

"You had to get Alex to cover your shift on Saturday and you are off from Sunday to Tuesday as am I, so I phoned the vineyard to extend our stay by a few more days," he smiled.

"When did you do that?" She questioned, surprised.

"That was the plan all along," he admitted sheepishly. "I just intended to get you there in the hope you'd have a nice time and then I could tell you that we could stay on for a few more days."

"Is that so?" she laughed lightly.

"It is," he whispered, relieved to hear her laugh.

"This is why I keep you around." she said, gently brushing her lips against his.

"Oh, is that all I'm good for?" he said while she couldn't help but giggle.

After a few moments of staring into each other's eyes, she explained rather hopefully, "You still have your old pyjamas in the bottom drawer of the wardrobe if you want to change."

"That would be great. Why don't you get into yours and I'll go downstairs and make us a cup of coffee?" he suggested, making himself right at home.

"That sounds nice. Can I have tea, though?" she asked lightly.

"Of course," he nodded, flashing her, his McDreamy smile. "Have you had anything to eat?"

"No, I'm really not hungry," she shrugged.

"Are you sure?" He asked rather speculatively "I can make you something if you want. It would be no trouble."

"No, honestly, I'm ok." she reassured him. "If you want something though. You can help yourself."

"No, I ended up having a big lunch with Mark and the chief," he explained.

"Sounds lovely!" She shouted to him as he headed down the stairs.

When Derek returned to Meredith's bedroom, she was already snuggled under the covers and had kindly laid a pair of his pyjamas on her bed for him. He placed the cups on the bedside table while smiling at her before grabbing the pyjamas and moving into the bathroom to change. When he came out, Meredith was sitting, reading a magazine while attentively sipping her cup of tea. She looked up and smiled at him as he moved into the bed and snuggled as close to her as he could.

Meredith and Derek made small talk about their patients and the interns while they drank their hot drinks. After half 'n' hour of talking, they both yawned simultaneously. He leaned over and turned the bed lamps off and then slide down the bed, spooning her from behind. Meredith slide back so she could feel Derek's heart beating against her back, giving her all the assurance she would need through the night.

"Derek?" Meredith whispered into the darkness.

"Yeah?" he mumbled.

"There's just one thing," Meredith stated.

"Hmm," he hummed.

"I know you've been patient but…" she trailed off.

"But?" he probed.

"But I may need you to be patient some more," she started. "I know I'm asking a lot. It's just this really is all new to me and I don't what I'm doing or how to do it and I'm not very good at the whole bright…"

"…and shiny thing," Derek finished for her. "Meredith I never …"

"I know I'm asking a lot Derek and if you want to walk away…"

"Oh no," he asserted firmly. "We're not going down that path again. I don't expect you to be bright and shiny but what I do want is for when something is going on with you; that you tell me. If you don't know how you feel then just tell me that and as for not knowing what you're doing…well, you don't have to worry because we can do this together."

Derek pulled Meredith even closer to him when he became worried about the fact that she remained silent.

"Meredith?" he queried, really worried.

"I love you." She blurted out with a hint of determination in her voice.

"I love you too." he smiled. He leaned over her to kiss her on the lips before snuggling back into the previous, comfortable position. Meredith loved him. She actually said those words. She loved him. Derek loved her. He loved her. After telling him about Max, he still loved her.

Both eventually fell asleep in the comfort of one another arms with the dreams of what tomorrow will bring. The hope of a brighter future - Together.

Please show me some love and give me some comments? Pretty please?


	5. The Inevitable Running

Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Secrets Never Shared.

The Inevitable Running

Meredith and Derek both woke with a fright as their pagers were beeping loudly.

"You've got to be kidding me," he grumpily mumbled.

"Derek, we have to get up. It's a 911 page from the hospital," Meredith mumbled sleepily.

"Ugh, can't we pretend we never received it?" He joked lightly.

Just as she was about to respond, her mobile phone rang.

"Hello, Meredith Grey." she groggily answered

"Meredith, you should see this place," her person shouted down the phone with excitement.

"What happened?" she asked slowly becoming more alert.

"Big car pile-up on the highway," she explained. "It's bad. Here, Mercy West and Seattle Prespitarion have been slammed with patients. You need to get here fast; there are a number of cool surgeries on the go. Hahn had better let me scrub in."

"Ok. I'm on my way." she replied. With that they hung up.

Meredith turned to realise Derek had gotten out of bed and was in the bathroom changing. She grabbed some fresh clothes from her wardrobe and moved into the bathroom across the hall. She heard Derek moaning something about how it was only 2am and how a surgeons' work is never done which made her smile.

When she emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, he stood fully dressed with two of the coffee cups to take with them. He leaned in, gently sucked on her bottom lip. The moan she let escape her gave him all the encouragement he needed to slide his tongue into her mouth to take full pleasure in this particular moment with her. Derek got lost in the taste of her as well as the soft aroma of lavender she gave off from her hair. He regretfully pulled away, knowing that if they continued, they would be in serious trouble when they got to the hospital.

"Are you sure you are ok to go in to the hospital? I could speak to Richard for…" he began asking worriedly, thinking about the state she was in only a few hours.

"Derek," Meredith warned him sternly with both tone and look.

"I'm just showing some concern here Meredith. I can't…I can't think of you working with patients knowing how upset you were only a few hours ago." Derek stated as if it was a matter of fact.

"I know that but I'm honestly fine Derek." she said, looking into his concerned eyes, trying not to sound defensive even though she was.

"Meredith, think about you and your patients." he said before thinking. From the look of anger that swept before his eyes, he knew he was in trouble.

"How dare you!" she began to shout.

"Meredith," he sighed. He tried to sooth her and reached out his hand to her but she smacked it away.

"No Derek! How dare you! I would never endanger my patients' lives. Never! How could you possibly think that? Talking about Max and getting a little emotional about my dead son does not make me a raging lunatic! Stop giving me the look of pity!" she shouted, unable to keep the hurt expression from her face never mind being able to stop the tears coming out her eyes.

"Meredith, I just worry and..." he started empathetically, once again reaching for her, in the hope to wipe her tears away but once again, his hand was slapped away.

"No, you're worrying about the patients." she argued, before making a bee line for the stairs. Derek stood there dumb founded. He knew what he said came out wrong. The patients weren't his main concern, she was. He just didn't want her pushing herself. She still looked pale and there was no mistaking the bags that were still present in her eyes. Derek was pulled from his thoughts with hearing the front door slam. He ran down the stairs after her, however by the time he reached the front door, she was already reversing out the driveway. He called out but she was already gone. He quickly threw the two coffee mugs into his car that was parked across the street and sped away after her.

When Derek arrived at the hospital, he could see Meredith's car parked a few spaces from his. He tried to catch her but she got ahead when he had to stop at a set of red lights. Derek entered Seattle Grace to come face to face with the chief.

"Derek, we have a patient being prepped for an emergency craniotomy in OR2 for you and then once you are done with that, there is patients who need neuro consults in the pit and the clinic." the chief stated in his best authoritive voice.

"Ok…but first I need to find Meredith." he stated. The chief looked at him as if he was off his head but stopped himself from yelling when he seen the look of concern in Derek's eyes.

"Derek, these patients really need you and you're the best. Meredith arrived about five minutes ago and is scrubbing in on a bypass surgery with Hahn as we speak. She seems ok." he said as convincingly as he could. Truth be told, the Chief sensed that something or someone had upset Meredith when she arrived. Her eyes were all red and puffy; she looked tired and upset, completely worn out. Unfortunately, the Chief got caught up with a patient, unable to ask if she was ok.

"I just need to see her." he said, feeling his heart beat at a hundred miles a minute.

"Derek, your patient that's in OR2 has already crashed twice. It doesn't look good. I'll keep looking in on OR1 for you and if I think there is anything wrong, I will have you paged immediately. You have my word." the chief reassured. Derek nodded reluctantly, heading towards the elevators.

"Derek, what is it?" he urged.

Derek didn't turn around to face the chief. He took a deep breath and said in the strongest voice he could, "I know." With that, he made his way to the elevators. The chief didn't need any explanation. He knew what he meant by that. He knew.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

.

Derek's patient died on the table as there had been too much nerve damage. The patient didn't stand a chance. On his way to inform the family, he checked the OR board to see that Meredith was still assisting Dr Hahn in OR 1. He knew that the surgery would be going on for at least another ninety minutes. He asked a nurse to page him if there were any changes in the patient meaning the surgery would be finished earlier or if it would be delayed. He would not let Meredith run from this. For once in their relationship, he was putting his foot down. They will talk this through. After informing the patients' family, he seen to the minor head injuries in the pit, although he couldn't take his mind off Meredith which he found ironic considering he thought she would be the one distracted from treating the patients.

As she scrubbed out of the surgery, she was aware Dr Hahn was talking in the background but all she could do was play over her argument with Derek, time and time again. She struggled to stay focused. She knew this would happen. There was no avoiding the harsh inevitability of this. Derek thought she was incapable. She was weak. Incompetent. He didn't think she was able to cope. There is nothing worse than seeing the look of pity in the love of your life's eyes. Did he really pity her? He pitied her.

"Dr Grey!" Dr Hahn had finally managed to snap Meredith out of her train of thought.

"Sorry Dr Hahn," she said "It has just been a long night. What were you saying?"

"You were ignoring me Grey?" Hahn asked, clearly pissed off.

"I apologise Dr Hahn," she whispered. "I took the opportunity to zone out for a second as tonight; it'll be the only chance I get. It really was an honour scrubbing in with you today."

"Okay," Hahn nodded. "I was just saying what a great job you did in there. You practically flew solo. You show great potential for cardiothoracic surgery which leads me to say that I hope you are giving it serious consideration as your speciality?" Hahn stated with a smile.

"Seriously?" she asked incredulously. That was the last thing Meredith was expecting.

"Seriously. Just have a think about it. You have promise for my specialty and you would be an asset to have on my team. I really mean that. Take some time to think about it, although you shouldn't really need it. Who could say no to an opportunity like this?" she said giving Meredith a nod goodbye before leaving the scrub room.

Meredith couldn't help but wonder if that really happened. Did Hahn just say that? Could she really be a cardiothoracic surgeon?

"Meredith!" she bellowed, entering the scrub room.

"What?" she retaliated. "Christina! What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong? Seriously!" Christina shouted, unable to contain her growing anger.

"Christina," Meredith sighed. "If this is about the surgery…"

"You steal my bypass surgery and you ask me what's wrong? You get to fly solo, performing a complex cardio procedure on my patient and you ask me what's wrong? Seriously?" she continued to bark.

"Christina!" Meredith shouted, matching Christina's tone and then much more calmly said, "The Chief asked me to assist Dr Hahn as soon as I came in. What was I to do? I wasn't made aware that he was your patient."

"You know what? Whatever." she said while pacing the scrub room, back and forth, "Hahn is trying to make things difficult for me, which is fine, so fine. I don't care. I couldn't care less. You up here with your cool surgery while I'm stuck in the pit doing stitches with McDreamy who, by the way is acting all McGuilty, being a McPain in my ass! What did he do this time? Give you a dodgy orgasm?"

"Christina!" she exclaimed shocked.

"Right sorry or whatever. What did he do?" she asked, trying her best to sound sincere.

"What do you mean, he's acting all McGuilty?" she asked, curiously.

"He kept asking me every five god damn minutes if I had heard from you, if I had seen you. Did you seem alright to me? Like I would know. So come on, out with it. What did he do?" she repeated, hoping to get that answer out of her.

"Uh, nothing. I have to go." she said, throwing her towel in the bin and heading for the door.

"Wait. He told me to tell you that he is sorry. He didn't mean to upset you. He loves you, blah, blah, blah. He also told me to ask you if you could come find him once you were done in surgery. Seriously, what the hell did McOverly moose hair do?"

"Nothing," she said quietly, without looking back at her, "It was nothing." At that point, Meredith's pager goes off. Its 911 in the pit.

"I have to go. I will catch you later." With that, she left the scrub room.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

"Shepherd!" The chief shouted getting Derek's attention from across the other side of the pit.

Once the chief was close up, "Derek," he said "Can I have a private word in my office?"

"Actually Chief, I'm a little busy right now." he said, looking at the chief rather hesitantly.

"Well, you've seen to all the major cases from the accident, residents are dealing with the minors as well as all the post ops," Richard shrugged.

"But I have another craniotomy booked in half an hour." he tried to argue, but could tell by the chiefs face that he wasn't going to back down on this.

"This won't take long. My office in five minutes." he stated before leaving. The Chiefs voice left no room for argument.

Derek sighed, he had a lot he wanted to say to the Chief but he wanted to say it on his terms, not the Chiefs. He headed into his patient's room to inform them that he would be taken to the OR in half an hour. As he headed up the stairs, he grabbed a cup of coffee from the coffee cart noting that it was 4am and he and Meredith would probably be here for another good, couple of hours. On his way to the Chief's office, he receives a page from the scrub nurse to inform him that Hahn's surgery was just finished.

Damn!

Something inside Derek snapped. Filled with rage, he stormed into the Chief's office.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he snapped, gearing for an argument.

The Chief jumped from his seat, startled by this sudden outburst.

"Derek," in the most calming voice he could muster, "Sit down and calm down so we can talk about this like rational adults."

Derek didn't seem to be paying much attention to the Chief as he paced his office, thinking about what exactly he needed to say to the Chief.

"You knew and you didn't tell me," he stated, clearly unhappy about it.

"Like I didn't tell Meredith you had a wife!" Richard spat back, losing his cool.

This got Derek's attention. He stood in shock, staring at the Chief, wondering if he had really just said that.

"Derek, sit down and calm down," he said in his most authoritive tone. Derek sat down shocked at his Chief of surgery's attitude.

"What did you just say to me? How can you compare the situations? What happened between me and Meredith when it came to Addison is completely different to what happened with her and Danny," he stated.

"Your right. I had every right to tell Meredith that you had a wife. The person you had vowed to be with till death do you part. A women Meredith didn't even know existed. Meredith isn't tied to Danny in any way and as for Max, well, she had to tell you when she was ready. When she felt the time was right. That secret was up to her. Meredith has never spoke about him easily. She never speaks to me or Adele about him and as for Ellis, she didn't want to hear about him." he said, noticing Derek was sitting listening intently, "Derek, I don't want to argue with you about this but I'm here for both of you to talk about this. If you want help filling in the blanks that is maybe too difficult for Meredith to tell you."

Derek took a minute to take in everything that the chief had said to him before he spoke.

"First of all, how dare you refer to the vows I took with Addison when you yourself had an affair with a woman not for days, weeks or months but for years. I am sick of saying this to everyone, Meredith was not an affair. I fell in love with her!" Derek was struggling to keep his voice down, "Secondly, how could you cheat, on a loving devoted woman, with someone, who to me, could only be described as a cold, heartless bi..."

"Derek!" the Chief was warning him with both his tone and the look in his eyes. Derek had to take a few deep breaths to compose himself.

"Derek, I brought you here to talk about Meredith," Richard tried to reason. "Not Ellis."

Derek's head shot up, "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"No, everything is fine," he could sense Derek's panicked tone, " She flew solo on the bypass surgery and you wouldn't believe how well she did considering she is only a first year resident. They weren't kidding when they said that she was the surgeon to beat. Hahn has told her to have a serious think about having cardio as her specialty."

Derek suddenly was gleaming with pride. He couldn't help but smile.

"I wonder what Yang will have to say about that," he said trying to lighten the mood. Both men started to laugh, knowing Christina would go her mile at knowing this. After a few moments of sitting in awkward silence, the Chief decided to speak up.

"I don't think anyone truly realises how special she really is," he stated simply.

"I do." he stated simply.

"Me and Adele, we constantly worry about her. Ellis just never coped with Max dying. She knew she wasn't supportive from the word go of this pregnancy but when Max came along and she seen how Meredith was with him. There was no mistaking the love she felt for that child. You couldn't help but fall in love with that child when you looked in his sparkling green eyes and his soft blonde hair. He was the spitting image of his mother," Richard explained.

"I wonder if Meredith has pictures for me to look at." Derek asked, thinking aloud.

"I imagine she does," Richard nodded.

"I hope so," he smiled sadly.

"Both Adele and I went to the NICU to see him every second day but I called every day to be updated on his condition. He wasn't supposed to survive the first week Derek," Richard admitted with great difficulty.

Derek looked at Richard closely and for the first time seen the pain in his old mentor's eyes.

"When we went to see him on the day he became five weeks old, I remember walking in and watching Meredith cradle him in her arms singing him a nursery rhyme while she rocked back on forth on the rocking chair. Max was staring at her with such contentment. He knew that she was his mum. There was no mistaking that. Anyway, when she noticed us in the room, she gave us her usual welcoming smile which grew every day we seen her. That day became one of the most memorable of our life, she asked us if we would like the pleasure of holding Max. I couldn't get over it and neither could Adele. Holding him in my arms and having this tiny little miracle in my arms was the most exhilarating feeling ever. Nothing could ever possibly beat that feeling. Although there was a close second, when Meredith turned to Max and said that his grandma and grandpa were here to get a cuddle from him. She called us his grandma and grandpa. He was the most beautiful baby. She was the most wonderful mum. We were so proud of her," Chief was teary eyed when talking about these difficult memories. He could see that Derek was also trying to keep his emotions in check, as well as the surprise of seeing his Chief like that.

"I've never been able to hold a baby since which sounds ridiculous but I just can't without thinking of Max. I never got over the shock when Max died. Watching Meredith sing him goodbye still wrenches at my heart. Nobody deserves that but she most certainly didn't. I will never forget the look in her eye when the nurse took him out of her hands. I tried to hold her upright when the nurse walked Max down the hall but she broke. She couldn't keep her emotions in check. She fell to the floor as her sobbing had taken over her body. She couldn't stop shaking. Curled up on the floor, she couldn't stop shaking. I lay beside her and just held her. I always thought of Meredith as a daughter and to see her like that and know there was nothing I could do to take the pain away.."

"You were there, Richard," he interrupted, "Meredith is always going to remember the fact that both of you were there for her when she needed you the most. You both did what you could for her. That was more than most did and more importantly , in those circumstances, it's all anyone can do, be there for one another. You were there for her every day when Max died, you were there for the funeral…"

"Meredith told you about the funeral?" he asked surprised.

"Yeah," Derek sighed.

"On the day of the funeral, Adele told me she was putting her foot down and that I had better go and find where Ellis was hiding in the hospital and drag her to her grandson's funeral for the sake of her daughter or she would do it herself and make it worth her while. I found Ellis curled up, on the floor, in the corner of a scrub room. She was crying. I had never seen Ellis like that before. I hadn't spoken to her since the day Max died as I struggled to accept why she left a heartbroken Meredith to perform a surgery that a resident could perform. She couldn't look me in the eye. I could see the grief she was trying to keep in control of but was failing miserably. She told me that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't do it. She couldn't go to his funeral. It was best for Meredith and Max. They didn't need her there. That's what she kept telling me. No matter how hard I tried, she wouldn't go. It was only when I was walking out of the scrub room, I noticed that she was wearing a black suit. She had the intention of going, she just couldn't bring herself to," the Chief paused to contain his emotions but looking into Derek's eyes and seeing the glistening tears roll down his eyes, he couldn't keep his in any longer.

"It was me," he whispered in a broken voice.

"It was you, what?" Derek asked curiously.

"It was me who carried Max's tiny coffin into the church with Meredith on one side of me and Adele on the other. When Adele was reading a poem, she seen something, Ellis was hidden up the back looking intently between Meredith and the coffin. According to Adele, when she seen Meredith brake down in sobs and me put a comforting arm round her to make her realise we were there for her, she left looking heartbroken."

"Did you ever find out why?" he asked his Chief of surgery, finding a new found respect for the man.

"No, but me and Adele always put it down to the fact she was riddled with guilt and how she couldn't cope with the fact that it was me and Adele that were there for her because she couldn't be," he shrugged uncertain.

"Because of surgery?" he asked, feeling his anger growing towards jealousy.

"Yes," he whispered.

"So when you boil it all down, Ellis wasn't there for Meredith or Max because of jealousy?" Derek asked, feeling the anger once again, boil up inside of him again.

Derek got his answer through the look in the chief's hesitant gaze when he didn't verbally respond.

"Ellis had to live with the guilt until the day she died, Derek..."

"Wasn't enough! Meredith is still living with the guilt and she did nothing wrong! Where is the fairness? Where is the justice in that?" he bellowed, yet again, unable to contain his emotions.

"Derek, make no mistake here, we all feel guilty. Your right, Meredith is carrying a big weight of guilt on her shoulders when there is no need as she is the innocent one in all of this," the chief stated, trying his best to help Derek make sense of this, " I will never forgive myself for being the one that ripped her family apart, I'm part of the reason she doesn't believe in happily ever after, that , at the end of the day, everybody leaves. She never found out about me and her mother's affair until she became an intern here. I can only imagine how difficult it was for her. She used to trust me with everything. Now I'm lucky if we get to discuss patients together. She emailed me the week before she was starting her internship to let me know she needed me to pretend we didn't know each other. She didn't want everyone else thinking she was getting special treatment. She knew it was going to be hard enough with her second name being Grey. I played along because it was her who asked but I wasn't comfortable with it. I wanted so desperately to talk to her about everything. She slipped through me and Adele's fingers once Max was dead."

"When Meredith was a baby, she would often be over at our house. Meredith and Adele hit it off from the word go. They loved one another which surprisingly didn't seem to bother Ellis. As Meredith grew up she would be over at our house for dinner, a minimum twice a week, more when Thatcher left. Adele and her would go shopping or to the park. Meredith would spend her Christmases either with us or the hospital. This was of course, until Meredith and Ellis moved to Boston but Meredith was still on the phone to us constantly. Anytime Ellis was in Seattle for a consult, Meredith would be right at our door to see us," Richard let out a chuckle, thinking on the nice times.

"Even when Meredith was at college in Boston, when she had the weekend off, she would come to Seattle to see her mum at the hospital and spend quality time with us. Her and Adele were inseparable. She loves her Derek. As far as Adele is concerned, Meredith has and always will be her daughter."

Derek nodded in understanding. He was struggling to wrap his mind round this. It was only last night that Meredith told him she had been a mother and now he is sitting across from his mentor hearing so desperately what he needed to.

"Sadly, when Max died, she struggled to be near us as we…we remind her so much of Max. We hoped when she started her internship here, things would be different. Don't get me wrong, we weren't expecting miracles, we weren't expecting things to go back to the way we use to be but it never happened. After Max died, Meredith went back to Boston. We sent many emails and constantly called but she very rarely responded which wasn't like her at all. When she came home a while later, it was to tell us she was going to Europe. The next we heard from her, apart from the odd post card, was when she sent me that email."

Derek couldn't help but feel sorry for the man before him.

"You lost your daughter," he said in understanding.

"We lost our daughter," he nodded in agreement, "and we would do anything to have her back."

Derek looked at Richard with such remorse, having a glimpse of understanding of where he was coming from. The men sat in silence for another few minutes before Richard decided to steer the conversation in a slightly other direction.

"Hahn has asked her to have a serious think about cardio," he said.

"You said." he stated, confused by why this was being mentioned again.

"She won't consider it…She won't even contemplate it because…"

"…because Max died from a hole in the heart." he finished for him.

Both men stared at one another, unsure of what else to say.

"She might consider it," he said.

"She won't consider being a cardiothoracic surgeon, Derek. I know she won't." he said looking Derek in the eye.

"Is that so?"

Both men jumped startled to see Meredith standing in the door of the office with tears in her eyes, looking hurt and betrayed. She took off before either one of them could say anything.

Damn!

Enjoy? Please tell me what you think. You all know how I appreciate your comments.


	6. Truth Time

Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Secrets Never Shared.

Truth Time

Both Derek and the Chief stood in shock. Derek quickly turned to the Chief and told him to find another surgeon to cover his surgery before he took off after Meredith. He let her run to avoid the issue once this morning but he wasn't going to let this happen again. Derek ran down the corridor, whizzing past nurses, and doctors who looked on with curiosity, wondering what had this famous doctor in such a panic. He turned in to another corridor, where he passed patients rooms and supply closets. However, he paused outside one of the supply closets, hearing somebody gasping for air; similar to how he was, considering how fast he had just ran. He knew it was her in there. She sounded as if she was having great difficulty breathing.

"Meredith, open the door," he said in a firm but loving voice, attempting to hide his concern.

Derek received no answer, probably due to the fact Meredith felt as if someone was squeezing her heart so tight, she couldn't breathe.

"Meredith, open the door!" Derek was panicking.

"D...De...Der...C…can't." she responded in a strained, whispered voice, hoping he could hear her.

Derek sprinted to the nurses' station demanding the key to the closet. While one of the nurses' fetched the key for him, he sprinted into a patient's room grabbing an oxygen tank and a fresh mask from the supply basket. He passed the nurse, grabbing the key from her and was back, outside the closet in a matter of seconds. He quickly fumbled with the keys, in a sheer panic to help her. He eventually got the door open and was on the floor with her in a matter of milliseconds. He lifted her up and turned her round so her back was leaning against his chest. He was fast at reaching over and putting the oxygen mask over her face in order to synchronise her breathing. She quickly responded, leaning back against him, feeling such pain and exhaustion although the pain slowly began to subside with the oxygen mask and Derek's arms wrapped protectively around her while he was whispering soothing words in her ear. She couldn't see his face, although she didn't have to look at him to know that he was worried and upset. She could hear it in his voice. Meredith's breathing was eventually falling back into a normal rhythm but not fast enough for Derek's liking.

"Meredith, I need you to breath with me, Inhale and Exhale. Can you do that for me? Just inhale and exhale. Don't think about anything else Meredith. Just close your eyes and take slow deep breaths. Slow, deep breaths…That's it. Breath in and out," he said in the firmest, loving voice he could, masking the concern he felt for her health. Meredith began to make a whimpering sound which only caused his fear to grow.

"Meredith, you're ok. I'm here," he assured her. "It's ok. You're not alone Mer. Just focus on your breathing..."

"Der..." she interrupted in a weak whisper, unable to say his full name.

"Meredith?" he questioned, in a panic.

"...di…dizzy..."

"You're dizzy?" he asked, hoping for clarification.

Meredith gave a small nod in response but before Derek could act, she went limp in his arms.

"Meredith? Meredith?" he shouted whilst gently shaking her to try and get her to waken. He kept a firm hold of her while taking her pulse, noticing it was weak.

"Somebody help!" He shouted, hoping someone would be out in the hallway.

Luckily, Mark Sloan was in a patient's room next door. He followed the panic in his best friends voice to find him standing in a supply closet with Meredith passed out in his arms.

"She fainted," Derek explained. "Can you carry this oxygen tank for me?"

Mark nodded in understanding. He lifted the tank, allowing Derek to gently lift Meredith in his arms and carry her out into the hallway, closely followed by Mark. Noticing that Derek looked confused and panicked, he decided to step in.

"There's a free exam room just round the corner on the right, Derek." He told him. "We'll take her there," he asserted, leading the way.

Derek nodded, knowing that he needed to get Meredith checked out and wanted to get her into an exam room fast to keep gossip to a minimum.

"She'll be ok, man. She's probably just really tired." Mark said, trying his best to reassure his panicked friend.

"You didn't see the state she was in," his best friend whispered in response which was difficult for Mark to hear.

In the exam room, both Derek and Mark tried to get Meredith to wake up but she wasn't responding. No matter how many times they said her name or tried to gently shake her, there was no response. They hooked her up to all necessary equipment. Mark took note that her oxygen levels were low as well as the fact her blood pressure was too high. Also, he hesitantly pointed out to Derek that she had heavy bags under her eyes indicating that she was suffering from exhaustion. As Mark went to draw some blood, Derek quickly grabbed his arm.

"No," he stated bluntly, taking the syringe from Mark.

"Derek..."

"I'll do it. She doesn't like it when anyone else draws her blood. I have to do it," Derek told him, leaving no room for argument.

Mark seen the tears of distraught in his friends eyes and decided it was best not to argue so he stepped aside to let him draw the blood.

"How long is that she's been unconscious?" Mark asked quietly.

No answer.

"Derek?" Mark pushed.

"Eh…around ten minutes," he answered, suddenly feeling sick.

"Did she hit her head?" Mark asked, doctor made taking over.

"What?" he asked. His full concentration, however, was on the tiredness written over Meredith's face. It was when he looked at her limp body, he noticed something. Had she lost weight?

"Did she hit her head when she fainted?" Mark repeated.

"Uh...no…no, she was lying in my arms. She said she felt dizzy and then she just lost consciousness."

Derek began to write on the labels, marking that these samples were to be ran ASAP by the lab.

"I'll take them to the lab so you can stay with her," he said while heading for the door.

"Mark?" he questioned, to stop him before leaving. Mark turned to Derek.

"She'll be ok man." He told his best friend, knowing he needed reassurance but not knowing what else to say to him.

Derek nodded stroking Meredith's hair and holding her hand, hoping she would come round soon.

"Don't tell anyone?" Derek pleaded.

"Derek, don't you think…"

"Don't tell anyone. Just not yet. I want to wait, at least until she wakes up and we have a small idea of what is going on," He explained.

"Ok," he responded before leaving the room.

Ten minutes after Mark had left the exam room, Meredith began to stir slightly on the gurney.

"Meredith? Meredith? Can you hear me?" he asked in a frantic voice, keeping a firm hold on one of her hands whilst stroking her hair, urging her to come around to consciousness.

"Derek?" she asked, in a quiet voice whilst she slowly opened her eyes trying to adjust to the bright light in the room before coming focused on a pair of bright blue eyes hovering over her.

"Hi," he smiled, feeling such relief.

"Hey," he responded feeling a sense of relief wash over him. Derek leaned in and kissed her on the forehead before raising the top of the gurney to bring Meredith into the sitting position.

"Derek?" she mumbled out, moving the oxygen mask off her face.

"Yeah?" he smiled, squeezing her hand.

"What happened?" she asked while looking at all the machines he had her attached to. Derek was about to respond when she began to feel panicked by all around her. She threw off the oxygen mask and began to unattached herself from the heart monitor when Derek took firm hold of her hands to stop her afraid she would pull the IV from her arm.

"No Meredith," he began in a firm yet soothing voice, while placing the oxygen mask back over her face and reattaching the heart monitor. Meredith struggled against him for a minute but quickly gave up when she realised she didn't really have the strength to fight back.

"You can't Meredith. You lost consciousness for a good 25 minutes. You didn't respond when we tried to wake you so we have ran some tests and considering the severe panic attack you had before you lost consciousness, if that's what it actually was, we thought it be best to monitor your heart rate until we know if we are dealing with anything. Ok?" he asked, giving her a sympathetic smile.

She gave a small nod before asking, "Did you say 'we'?"

Derek smiled. "I really began to panic so Mark helped me get you out of the supply closet, hook you up to the monitors and draw some blood which he has taken to the lab now. He's really worried about you…as am I."

Meredith could see the worry, as well as the fact he had been crying. She pulled the mask down from her face to respond but he was quick on the mark.

"Don't even think about telling me you are fine," giving her a stern look and popping the mask back in place. He gave her the brightest smile he could muster before sitting on the edge of the bed reaching to intertwine their hands together while stroking her cheek with another. Derek went into doctor mode rather fast as he wanted to get to the bottom of the cause of this. He knew it could just be stress but didn't want to risk it being more.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

"Ok," she mumbled through the mask, trying to suppress the yawn she felt rising.

"Do you still feel dizzy?" he questioned.

"Slightly," she murmured, closing her eyes to try and keep herself calm.

Derek looked at her blood pressure reading, noticing that it had dramatically dropped from the last reading, but it still wasn't anywhere near normal.

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" he asked, staring at her intently hoping she would open up.

"What do you mean?" she asked rather bewildered by what he meant.

"Have you been feeling ill at all, recently? Have you been sleeping ok? Have you felt dizzy before? Have you fainted recently? Can you think of anything that may be relevant hear that you need to tell me?" He rambled off, trying to explain her high blood pressure.

Oh crap!

"What is this? A game of twenty questions?" she asked, getting rather defensive.

"Stop it, Meredith!" he shouted, but seeing how he frightened her with his harsh tone, spoke more softly, "I need you to be ok. I need for you to be ok Meredith. You are the love of my life. I always wanted you to fall into my arms but not the way you just did. I can't contemplate the thought of losing you so just please, please be honest with me? We need to find out if there is anything wrong so please?" He was pleading with her.

She lay there in shock. He was pleading her, not just with his words but his eyes. He eyes were burning into her, in the hope she would give him something. Meredith was still struggling to comprehend a rational thought. After everything that had happened over the past twenty four hours, her mind was spinning. She didn't truly know what to think about anything.

Derek felt a sharp pain of hurt course through his body thinking she wasn't going to open up to him. So much for making progress over the past twenty four hours. He let go of her hand and stood suddenly.

"I'm going to chase up your blood work," he whispered, without making eye contact. As he made his way to the door, she spoke in a quiet whisper.

"I haven't been sleeping," she mumbled, as she pulled off the oxygen mask.

Derek turns quickly, thinking he misheard.

"What?" he asks hesitantly before taking his previous position on the gurney, holding her hand. He puts the oxygen mask back around her neck, but not over her face to allow her to explain.

"I haven't really been sleeping all that well," she shrugged as if it is no big deal.

"What do you mean Meredith?" Derek pushed.

"What?" She questioned, trying to sound innocent.

"How long has this been going on for? How long haven't you been able to sleep?" he asks lovingly. He can't help but notice her hesitate.

"Meredith," he urges.

"A couple of months," she whispers in an almost inaudible whisper.

"What?" he asks in shock, "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because it was stupid and silly," she mumbled, feeling idiotic. She decided to close her eyes so she didn't have to stare into Derek's concerned ones. "I didn't want anybody thinking I was weak. It's honestly silly and stupid and I know you are looking at me funny because it's silly and stupid. It really is not a big deal. I mean I'm a surgeon. I'm use to going on little sleep. It was surgeons are trained to do and I'm a surgeon I am a surgeon. I'm just being paranoid. It's silly and stupid and there is no need to worry and it's silly and stupid…" she rambled.

"Ok. Sorry to interrupt but I think you are going to need this since you didn't breath during your little ramble." he smiled while moving the oxygen mask to put it back on her face, "Ok, firstly, I have every reason to worry about the woman I love. Secondly, it is neither silly nor stupid. Thirdly, it is a big deal considering how high your blood pressure is and how heavy those circles under your eyes look. Fourthly, surgeons are trained to go on little sleep but not to the extent of a couple of months Meredith," he said looking at her with a serious expression. "Especially when surgeons need sleep to remain fresh and actually able to operate to save lives."

She smiled at him and how he had the ability rationalise everything.

"I love you," she said, out of the blue, surprising the both of them.

"I love you too," he smiled, knowing he would never get sick of hearing her saying that. He knew know was not the time to get distracted and go off course of what happened.

"On average, how much sleep do you get a night?"

Meredith looked surprised at how he steered the conversation back. He wasn't going to let her avoid.

"Two hours," she murmured, feeling unbelievably ridiculous, as she opened her eyes to look into his concerned one.

"Why didn't you say anything?" he asked, looking at her intently.

"I thought I was being silly." she said breaking eye contact with him. Derek was quick to bring his free hand to her chin and pull her face around again, to look at him.

"You thought that not being able to get a good night's sleep was being silly?" Derek questioned pensively.

She nodded in response, not being able to find words. Derek didn't know how to make her see that this wasn't silly and that something needed to be done.

"Meredith, I haven't been able to sleep well either," he admitted, hoping this might help her.

"You haven't?" she asked, sounding surprised.

"No because being without you has been driving me crazy. You wouldn't let me in," he shrugged, while using his thumb to stroke her cheek. "I laid awake thinking, hoping that we would get our happily ever after. That we were going to be ok. That you would trust me enough to let me in. I would eventually fall asleep dreaming about our future and how happy we would be but I found it difficult with all thoughts spinning in my head. When it comes to you, you have been carrying triple the loads I have on top of working the hours you do in this place so, Meredith, it is nothing short of a miracle that you haven't collapsed before now," he says in a loving, soothing voice.

"You made it sound like I'm seriously ill," Meredith muttered, slightly agitated but then that could be put down to exhaustion.

"I'm not going to sit back and let this happen to you. I will not allow this to continue. You are just going to have to get use to the fact that I'm here and I'm here for good. I'm not going anywhere Meredith. You can push me all you want. You can protest all you want but bottom line, you love me, I love you and I'm not going anywhere. We are in this together…" he stated, looking down at how both her hands were holding a firm grip in his, "and Meredith, we will get our happily ever after."

"Oh, god Derek," she began to sob. Derek instinctively moved to lie next to Meredith, wrapping his arms around her, holding her as close as he could. He became alarmed when one of the monitors began to make a loud beep, covering the sound of her sobs. He looked over her to see that her blood pressure was increasing by the second.

"Meredith, take slow deep breaths. Meredith look at me." Derek used his hand to lift her chin so she was looking into his loving eyes.

"I need you to stay calm. Please, I don't want to have to sedate you. Just close your eyes and take slow deep breaths. Close your eyes Mer," he instructed, before putting the oxygen mask back over her mouth.

Derek held Meredith close to him. He rubbed his hand in a circular motion, against her back in the hope that it would calm her.

"Deep breaths Mer," he whispered in her ear.

After a couple of minutes, Meredith's blood pressure was back to normal and she appeared to be a little more relaxed.

"That's good Mer. Your blood pressure has come back down. It's still high but not as bad as it was. You're doing good Mer," he encouraged her, knowing she feels overwhelmed by everything going on.

"Meredith?" he queried.

"Yeah?" she yawned.

"Why don't you close your eyes and try and get some sleep?" He asked.

"But…" she went to protest and he could see how panicked she was by the thought of this.

"Its ok," he assured her, understanding why she was worried. "I'll be right here when you wake up. You need to rest and I'll make sure nobody sees that you are in here. Just close your eyes Meredith. I'm right here."

In a matter of seconds, Meredith was sound asleep in Derek's arms, content with listening to the smooth rhythm of Derek's heartbeat. Derek was pained at thought of Meredith suffering like this for months. Why didn't he notice? He couldn't shift the uneasy feeling that something may be seriously wrong. However, he put these thoughts to the back of his mind and focused on the women that was lying in his arms at that very moment. He was also content, like Meredith, at having the person he loved in his arm, safe and sound. It was with that thought, he too fell into a peaceful sleep.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

Derek was abruptly woken from his sleep, only fifteen minutes later by Mark and the Chief coming into the room with worried faces. The Chief looked upset at the sight of Meredith looking so fragile. That was his little girl and there was nothing he could do to take the pain away. He indicated for them to leave the room so they could discuss this outside as he didn't want to risk waking Meredith. Derek slowly moved off the bed, to prevent Meredith being woken up. She stirred slightly when he moved off the bed but luckily didn't wake up.

"Shep, what the hell happened?"

"She had a massive panic attack in one of the supply closets and then fainted because of the stress of it," he replied whilst watching Meredith threw the glass window. Derek turned to Mark who was standing behind the chief and Derek, also watching Meredith, as he too was concerned for his fellow Dirty mistress.

"Did her blood work come back?" Derek asked, slightly nervous of the answer.

Mark turned to Derek, "Yes, everything looks normal apart from her blood count which is sitting at 8 which means she is anaemic and she is low on potassium." he stated trying his best to be reassuring.

"I'll call the blood bank about transfusing some blood and make sure to get some iron tablets from pharmacy," Derek asserted.

"I'll do that for you," Mark interjected. "You just focus on staying with Meredith."

"Thanks," he nodded at his friend.

"Any other symptoms?" the Chief interjected.

"Uh..." Derek began hesitantly.

"Derek?" the Chief questioned in his best authoritive tone.

"Her blood pressure was through the roof when we first examined her. Its came down significantly but it's still a lot higher than what it should be. And…um..."

"And?" he pushed, turning to stare Derek down to get the answer out of him.

"She admitted that she hasn't had a good night's sleep over the past few months. On average, she would get about two hours each night," he sighed.

"How the hell has this not happened before, if that's the case?" Mark asked in shock.

"I have no idea," he sighed again feeling exhausted from the worry he is feeling.

"Do you think it's possible that this has happened before and she just hasn't said anything?" the Chief asked in a whisper.

"I don't think so. I gave her the opportunity to tell me and she told me that she hadn't been sleeping. I gave her the opportunity to tell me if there was anything else but she said that was it," Derek answered, hating the thought of her holding back on him.

"Do you believe her?" the Chief asked.

"Yes, she has no reason to lie. Not now," he shrugged.

"But Derek," Mark began hesitantly. "She must have seen how worried you are. She might not want to worry you any more than is necessary."

Derek had no answer for Mark's comment because deep down, he knew he could be right.

"Ok, we will let her sleep for now and once she wakes she can go home on the condition she has not to return to work for another three weeks," the Chief stated as a matter of fact.

"Richard?" Derek began. "I need to…"

"I'll call Mercy West and see if I can get Dr Harrison to cover your patients for the next three weeks," he said, smiling at Derek to let him know that he was on his side and would do all he could for him.

"Thanks Chief. I appreciate it. We…We appreciate it," he replied, correcting himself.

"Alright, if you'll both excuse me, I need to go and see how they are getting on in the pit. I'll let you know, Shep," the Chief said, turning to walk down the hallway.

"Wait, Chief," Mark piped in, turning to Derek, "page me if you need anything or if she needs anything," patting his buddy on the shoulder, he took off to join the Chief, leaving Derek alone, watching over Meredith.

Derek felt happy knowing Meredith had three weeks off to recover. She was suffering from a bad case of exhaustion and needed to rest for the next three weeks. Derek was also comforted, knowing that he could spend that time with her, helping her with what she needed. He thought about extending their visit to the wine country so she wouldn't be pestered by all her friends as well as not having to deal with sleeping in the brothel she seems to be running. A busy house like that would not be the best place for her to recover. All that matters was that he would be there for her. He would be there.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please comment.


	7. The Road To Recovery

Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Secrets Never Shared.

The Road to Recovery

Derek had sat quietly, content with watching Meredith get some sleep. She didn't look comfortable or content. She looked unsettled, stressed, worn out which didn't comfort him in the slightest. He concentrated closely on the blood that was being transfused into her. How could her blood count drop so low?

He would have to page Mark to sign all his patients over to the covering attending so he could stay by her side. He wouldn't even contemplate the thought of leaving her. Not know. Not when she needed him most. He took advantage of Meredith sleeping and phoned the bed and breakfast that they were staying in at the wine country to change the booking. He made reservations for a week, leaving on Monday, giving her the weekend to rest at home with him before taking the holiday. It also means that if she gets enough rest at the weekend, she would be able to appreciate the wine country a little more.

At 8am, Meredith began to stir slightly, waking Derek from the very uncomfortable position he had lay in for the past few hours, slipping in and out of sleep. He had too much spinning round in his mind to get a decent night's sleep anyway. How did she go that length of time without sleep? How did he not see it?

Sex and Mockery probably didn't help in the slightest. The time spent for their booty calls in the on call room, she should have been using to catch up on sleep. Derek was determined to spoil her through and through from foot rubs to letting her eat whatever she wanted, including cold pizza- well, maybe at first. All those carbohydrates aren't exactly energizing.

One minute, Meredith is beginning to stir in the bed slightly as if she is about to waken, but within seconds, she is stirring frantically on the bed before her eyes jolt open and she is pushing herself upright into a sitting position on the bed. Derek spins into action within milliseconds and is sitting on the edge of the bed ready to catch her before she really hurts herself.

"Careful, Meredith," he began gently, grabbing a firm hold of her shoulders. "Lie back down before you hurt yourself. You're ok. I'm right here." Derek gently eased her back on the bed, seeing how she felt dizzy by how she wobbled unsteadily.

"What time is it?" she asked in a sleepy voice.

"Just after 8," he whispered.

"Have you been here all night?" She asked gently.

"Of course," he nodded. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," she mumbled.

"Let's try that again," he chuckled slightly. "How are you feeling?"

"Still a little sleepy," she answered, not wanting to have to deal with twenty questions been thrown at her.

"Anything else?" He queried.

"A bit of a migraine," she shrugged.

Derek nodded. At least she was answering him. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers. When he seen that she was smiling at him, it gave him all the encouragement he needed to pull her into a loving, searing kiss. He gently, slid his tongue into her mouth to allow their mouths to partake in a dance that spoke more volumes to them than any words could. Derek could feel her every emotion in every kiss. When kissing during S&M, he felt her distance, her hurt as well as her insecurities. Now, when kissing her, he felt her doubts and fears of what was happening but more importantly, her love, determination and her sureness in their relationship. Meredith began to moan lightly as Derek was biting gently on her lower lip which made it all the harder to pull away but for both their sakes, he had to. He broke away, leaving them both panting for air, looking rather flustered.

"Are you hungry?" He asked, wondering whether to get her breakfast in the hospital or at home.

"No," she murmured.

"Mer..."

"I'll try to eat some breakfast a little later. I promise," she smiled at him while reaching with her hand to lace their fingers together. It was at that point, she seen the blood going through her blood transfusion. Derek could see her uncertainty.

"Derek?" Meredith asked in an unsure voice.

"Your blood count dropped to 8. We just want to get it up to a safer level. Ten more minutes and that will be done meaning we can go home."

"Ok," she said still sounding unsure.

"Mer, it'll be ok. I can promise you that. It will be ok," he said in a loving voice, while gently rubbing a thumb over her cheek.

"I believe you," she nodded.

"I love you," He smiled.

"I love you too," she assured him.

They sat for a minute in silence, smiling at each other, trying to work out what the other was thinking when something hit Meredith.

"Oh god, Derek," she gasped.

"What's wrong?" he asked concernedly.

"The wine country," she sighed. "We are supposed to be going there today. I completely forgot…I'll pack as soon as I get home…that's if you still want to go…we could still make it on time…I know what happened this morning put a damper on things…we could still go…"

"Meredith," he interrupted gently.

"…that's if you still think you could drive us there…I mean it is a long drive…and...I…"

"Meredith?" he asked a little more forcefully, finally getting her attention.

"Sorry," she said sincerely.

"Meredith, we aren't leaving for the wine country today," he told her gently.

"Oh," she said with such sadness and disappointment. She tried to free her hand from his but he tightened his grip.

"Don't even think about pulling away from me… Meredith, look at me." When she didn't comply, he once again, gently stroked her cheek to give her the encouragement to at least look at him, which she finally did.

"After what happened this morning, I thought it would be best to postpone until Monday so you could rest at home for a couple of days…Ok?" he asked soothingly.

"Yes," she smiled.

"It's a shame we'll only have two days to enjoy the country before we have to come home," she smiled.

"Um…Mer…we are going for a week," he said, uncertain how to tackle this topic because he knew it was going to start an argument.

"What? Oh, Derek, I can't. My shift work starts back again on Wednesday," she says with a hint of disappointment.

"Meredith," he starts wearingly, "we are going for a week because the Chief has signed you off work for three weeks to recuperate and he has…well, truth be told, he's given me three weeks off to be there for you." Derek knew by the look on Meredith's face that this did not go down well.

"Firstly," she began in a rather harsh tone, "recover from what? A little panic attack? Secondly, I do not need a baby sitter. I don't know what the two of you are thinking but you are blowing everything way out of proportion!" she finished with tears in her eyes.

"Meredith..."

"No! This is absolutely ridiculous. Three weeks? Three weeks? That is both stupid and unnecessary. There is no need. I-Am- Fine. I'll be back to work on Wednesday!" she shouted, getting out of bed faster than Derek could stop her. He rushed to hold her in place but she staggered too fast and fell half way to the ground before he caught her by holding an arm around her waist.

He quickly lifted her and gently laid her on the bed, noticing that she had lost consciousness yet again. He reached for the oxygen mask to place over her face, knowing that when she came round, she would probably have another panic attack and he would need to be ready. It was only then that he noticed that the force she had used to get out of bed had caused her to rip out her IV. He ran outside and grabbed a cotton swab from the hallway trolley and was fast at running back to apply pressure to her hand. Quite a bit of blood had trickled down her hand, scrubs and onto the floor. Derek decided it was best not to insert another IV as she would be allowed home soon.

Derek wasn't wrong about Meredith having another panic attack when she woke. It was a minute and a half after she jumped out of the bed, when she woke up and began hyperventilating instantly. She closed her eyes tightly as if she was a scared little child.

"Meredith, look at me," he whispered, "Open your eyes and look at me." She slowly opened her already, tear stained eyes to look into his loving pools of blue.

"Meredith, you have to breath with me," he commanded "Inhale and Exhale. Just take slow, deep breaths. You are going to be ok. Just listen to me, take slow deep breaths." Unlike last time, Meredith heart rate quickly went back to normal and she was able to remove the oxygen mask.

Derek gently held her hand and stroked her hair, hovering over her, watching her both closely and carefully. Meredith had a saddened look on her face. It was obvious that she wasn't expecting to be given three weeks off. She wasn't expecting any time off. Derek tried to think quickly of something to say to help her understand but she beat him too it.

"You told the Chief," she whispered in cold voice that sent shivers down Derek's spine.

"I told the Chief you hadn't slept? Yes, Meredith. I did. I was so worried about you. I am really worried about you and so is he for that matter."

"You can't do this to me," she whispered, with tears flowing down her cheeks. No matter how many times she wiped them away, they just kept on coming.

"Do what to you?" he asked, her words filling him with dread.

"You can't try and keep me off work for three weeks just because of a panic attack," she stated, convinced it was that simple.

"I'm not and neither is the Chief. There are a lot of factors here. One factor being that your blood count dropped to eight and needed two pints of blood transfused. The second being your high blood pressure which reaches a level beyond dangerous when you hyperventilate. Then there is the fact that you have had virtually no sleep for the past two months. The stress of all these things on top of work is causing severe panic attacks. Not mild, Meredith. They are severe whether you choose to accept it or not. The Chief wants you to get better. I want you to get better," Derek, once again used his forceful tone to get through to her. He leaned forward, grabbing her head in his hands and kissed her forehead while using his thumbs to wipe away her tears.

"I am taking the next three weeks off to be with you because I want to. I want to be with you. I want us to use the time to be together. I want us to do normal, couple things. I want us to go to the wine country and forget about everything that is going on back here. Please, Meredith…I'm begging you, let me in…Let me be there… Just humour me and let me hover for the next few weeks…Please, Meredith," He pleaded.

Meredith had her head down when she listened to what Derek had to say, letting out small sniffling sounds to try and keep her tears at bay. Derek knew Meredith would try and argue some more but when she suddenly looked up; she was pale apart from her tear stained cheeks; she tilted her head to the side and gave him a small smile.

"Ok," she admitted defeat.

"Ok?" He asked unsure.

"I think I'd like that," she answered, sounding a little unsure.

"You would?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah, I would," she giggled.

That sound alone, never failed to bring a smile to Derek's face. She still looked ill but relieved which meant he had made a step in the right direction. They had made a step in the right direction. Derek noticed that Meredith's hands were trembling which could have been due to the stress of everything over the past twenty four hours or the nerves she must have felt in talking to Derek. He gently grabbed hold of both hands and laced their fingers together to take control of the trembling. He gave her his signature McDreamy smile to assure her it was ok.

"Just take slow deep breaths. It should stop in a few minutes," he assured her.

Sure as fate, the trembling stopped.

"What do you say that I go and get you your clothes and handbag from your locker while you sign your discharge papers on the table over there and we get out of here?" he asked with such hope.

"I would say that it sounded like the best idea I have heard all morning," she laughed, feeling desperate to get away from Seattle Grace.

"Good." He nodded.

Reluctantly, Derek let go of her hands before walking off to get her stuff from the locker room.

Meredith quickly signed the discharge papers. She couldn't be happier at the thought of getting out of here. She slowly lifted herself off the bed to stare outside the window, onto the streets of Seattle. Surprisingly enough, the thing that was playing most in Meredith's head was her conversation with Dr Hahn earlier, in the scrub room or more importantly, the words that came out of the Chief's mouth about how she wouldn't choose that as her specialty, as if he really knew her. He didn't know her. Who was he to say what specialty she could or couldn't choose? Her mother always told her that for a surgeon, choosing a specialty it would be the biggest decision they ever made in their lives- not the hardest but definitely the biggest. Could Meredith be a cardiothoracic surgeon? Meredith didn't know but she did know one thing - if she made that choice, Christina would not take it well, at all.

"You ok?" a concerned voice asked from behind her causing her to jump from the fright she got. Derek was quick on the mark to take hold of her shoulders in case she lost her balance.

"Thanks," she whispered sheepishly.

"You're welcome," he smiled down at her.

"What were you thinking about?" He asked, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Nothing important," she shrugged.

Derek gave her a curious look. He wasn't satisfied with that answer but he would let it go, for now. He moved to the bed to tell her where he placed her items from her locker.

"I brought everything that I thought was necessary. Handbag… clothes you came home in…toilet bag for you to get freshened up but I wouldn't worry too much because I'll run you a nice warm bath to relax in when we get home…"

Derek stopped what he was saying and turned to face her from the bed when he heard her giggle.

"What?"

"It looks like my rambling has become infectious," she giggled. Derek couldn't help but smile. He loved her. He really loved her. Now it was her turn to look on curiously.

"What?" She questioned him as he continued to smile at her.

"Nothing," he stressed lightly. "Why?"

"You have that look," Meredith explained.

"What look?" He asked, trying to act and sound innocent.

"Our look," she sighed, knowing he was teasing her.

"You love our look," He chuckled.

"Correction, I tolerate our look," she mocked.

Derek feigned a look of hurt.

"Is there anything else you think you need?"

"No, that's great. Thank you," she smiled at him.

"Why don't you go get changed in the bathroom down the hall and I'll hand these discharge papers into the nurses' station so we can get out of here," he encouraged giving her a peck on the cheek.

"Great," she nodded, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"Great," he said while moving to lifting her stuff off the bed with one hand and wraps his free arm round her waist protectively.

"You know I am able to walk myself. I have since I was thirteen months old," she mocked.

"Did you ever contemplate the possibility that I like holding you close to me? That I just like having you right next to me," he chuckled.

"Cheesy Derek. Very, cheesy," she said, paying attention to the gossiping nurses in the hallway. Derek saw what she was focusing on and how she tensed slightly, knowing that they were talking about them.

"Just ignore them," he whispered in her ear, sending an aroused shiver down her spine. Just as luck would have it, they reached the bathroom, meaning that she would be free of him, at least for a few minutes. He leaned in to gently kiss her slips, but when their lips touched, she wanted to give the nurses really something to talk about which is why she urgently pushed her tongue into his mouth which caused Derek to stand there, numb from the shock of her silent demands. They both pulled back breathlessly when they heard gasps coming from the end of the corridor. Derek gave Meredith a questioning look.

"I wanted to give them something to really talk about," she smiled. He couldn't help but laugh.

Meredith reached out to take her stuff from Derek but he pulled them out of her reach.

"What are you doing?" she asked curiously.

"I'll take them in for you," he said, still numb from her urgent force that her mouth had on his.

"Derek…" she started in a warning tone.

"Just humour me for a little while and let's give them a little more to talk about," indicating to the whispering nurses behind them.

She couldn't help but giggle. They made their way into the female toilet and thankfully, no one was in.

"Now, will you be ok getting ready for two minutes while I run to the nurse's station to hand these in?" He asked trying to hide his concern.

"Oh, I don't know. A whole two minutes on my own?" she asked sarcastically, giving him a warning look.

"Ok," he sighed. "Ok, but I'll be right down the hall if you need me."

"Thank you, now get out of here," she said, pointing to the door they had just entered from. He smiled and kissed her before leaving the ladies bathroom with a big smile on his face. It was no surprise to him that those nurses were still outside, watching the bathroom door curiously.

"Don't you ladies have work to do?" he asked with a smug grin on his face.

.

Derek ran down the hall to the nurses' station to hand over the discharge papers. In heading back to the bathroom, he ran straight into the Chief who looked at him with such worry in his eyes but that instantly disappeared when he seen the gleaming smile plastered in Derek's face.

"She ok?" he asked curiously.

"Yes, she didn't take the three week sick line very well but I managed to talk her round. She's in the toilet now, getting changed to go home."

"Did you get a couple of pints of blood transfused?" He asked.

"Yes, I did. I'll bring her back in on Sunday to get her blood work and blood pressure checked and then we leave on Monday for a week's holiday. That is if you have managed to sort out my cover?" Derek asked with a hint of hope.

"Yes, there were no problems there. You are both expected to start back three weeks on Monday pending no further complications," He explained, silently praying that there would be no more complications.

"Three weeks on Monday?" Derek asked, not sure whether he heard right.

"Yes, just the way the schedule has worked out," The Chief shrugged, although Derek could see right through him.

"That's great. I really appreciate this Richard…Thank you for everything you did for us," he said while heading down the hall.

"Derek?" the man questioned him from behind.

"Yes?" he asked, spinning round.

The chief took a couple of steps forward and hesitated over his next words.

"What is it?" Derek prodded.

"Will you tell her I'm sorry that I missed her? I wanted to come and see her but I have to get into surgery," the Chief explained guiltily.

"Of course," he assured him.

"Will you…will you tell her that I miss her…that we miss her. We just...we want our little girl back, Derek. Just tell her I'm sorry," he said sounding defeated and with that headed in the other direction.

Derek couldn't help but feel a great amount of sympathy for the man that was just in front of him. Derek knew he wasn't his main priority though. Meredith always had to come first.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

As much as Meredith loved Derek, she was relieved to have a few minutes to herself. Feeling overwhelmed would be an understatement at the present moment in time. She still felt weak and sore. Every muscle in her body was aching with tension and she still felt as if something wasn't right, something she couldn't put her finger on.

Meredith got dressed in the bathroom at a warped speed which wouldn't be considered wise in her present condition but she had visions of Derek coming back in and insisting to help her get dressed.

Derek entered the bathroom a few minutes later to see Meredith standing at the window, putting a comb through her hair. She gave him a smile through the window which he gladly reciprocated as he snuck both arms round her waist from behind and pulled her as close to him as he could.

"Ready to get out of here?" he whispered in her ear.

"Stupid question," she mumbled.

"Very good point…Okay, and then let's get you out of here," he said while he grabbed her handbag from the counter.

"Derek, I can carry my own…"

"Humour me, Meredith. For now, just humour me," He whispered.

"Ok," she sighed as they made their way out of the bathroom and down the hall towards the elevators with his arm round her waste.

"I was thinking..."

"Uh oh," she giggled. "I thought I felt the ground tremble."

"Funny…I was thinking we could stop by yours to pick some stuff up and then we can go to the trailer where I can cook you breakfast," Derek suggested.

"Um…"

"We don't have to if you don't want to," he hurriedly said while helping her step on the elevator.

"No, I was thinking that would be a great idea. It's just that…well…we leave for the wine country on Monday…."

"We can go back to your place on Sunday to get everything organised but I was just thinking for the sake of a bit of peace and privacy and then there is the fact I want to cook you a nice breakfast, one that hopefully doesn't involve cold pizza, unless you really want that of course," He explained.

"I'd really like that," she smiled. "Sounds like you've thought of everything."

"Yeah? You're happy?" he asked, as the elevator doors opened to the floor of the lobby.

"Yeah," She yawned.

"Ok then." he smiled.

"So, I'll meet you at my house?" She asked, hinting the obvious.

"Don't even think about it Meredith Grey," Derek warned. "We will take my car as I have left your car keys with Alex."

"Derek..." she whined as they stepped out into Seattle's cool air.

"No Meredith," he stated firmly, "when I think of you driving to work this morning on so little sleep…just, you can't drive for a few weeks…just…just think of me as your chauffer, anything you want, day or night. I will be at your beck and call twenty four seven."

"I wouldn't have said that if I were you," she giggled as he opened the car door for her.

"Don't you worry," he said trying to appease her concerns. "I'm going to make sure you are spoiled rotten for the rest of our lives."

"Not just the next three weeks?" she asked as he leaned in and kissed her.

"No, because I know for the next three weeks, I'm going to have to play bad cop for the sake of your welfare." he said before closing her door and running round to get into the driver's seat.

"That's not possible," she informed him in a rather dramatic tone.

"And why do you say that?" he asked when he started the car.

"Because you're Dr Mcdreamy," she giggled as Derek drove them out of Seattle Grace car park as the happy couple they were destined to be.

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	8. Contempment

Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Secrets Never Shared.

Contentment

Meredith was sound asleep before Derek had even left the car park, the only sound filling the car was her soft snores. Derek was content with listening to that sound, knowing she was getting the rest she needed, both physically and emotionally. He was going to wait on her hand and foot, whether she wanted it or not. He knew now that he couldn't let her push him away, no matter how hard she pushed or what she said, he wouldn't let her push. This was a habit of hers he was determined to help her kick. He couldn't help but think about how sad Richard had looked when he last spoke to him. If Derek was honest, he was mad at Richard for not telling him about Max or at least not giving him a hint that there was something he needed to know, something to explain why Meredith always held their relationship at a distance.

Meredith was still sleeping soundly when they finally arrived at the trailer. She had managed to sleep through Derek stopping at her house and going inside to collect bits and pieces for her, the ferry ride and him stopping off at the grocery store to pick up bits and pieces that he knew she liked in order to make her as comfortable as possible. Derek got out the car and put all of Meredith's stuff and all the grocery bags inside the trailer before going back to the car to gently lift her out and put her into his bed. She stirred slightly in his arms but didn't wake. He was careful when taking her shoes and coat off as the last thing he wanted to do was wake her up as this what she needed. The talking could come later.

Once Derek had tidied the trailer, put the groceries away, unpacked Meredith's stuff, he stood at the foot of the bed to watch the love of his life sleeping peacefully on his bed. He had fallen in love with her all over again which he never imagined possible. He had dreamed of the day she would let him in and last night she finally had. There was no denying that it was a shock, there was no denying there was a lot more to talk about but hope and faith in their relationship had finally been restored. They could get through this. It wouldn't be easy for either of them but they could do it.

Derek couldn't resist any longer, he got into a t-shirt and sweatpants and got into bed with her. He gently spooned her so she was close to him, able to hear each other's heart beats. It wasn't long before he drifted off into the most peaceful sleep he has had in months.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

_Meredith and baby Max were in a dark corridor with no windows and no form of light. Out of nowhere, Danny and her mum appear looking angry._

_"I'm taking my son Meredith and you can't stop me!" Danny shouted in her face, his eyes red with anger._

_Meredith stood in shock, unable to move or even find her voice. He couldn't take her baby away from her. She wouldn't be able to live without Max. She held Max close to her chest, wrapped in his baby blanket._

_"You are going to make an awful mother! Max is better off with Danny! If he were to stay with you, he would end up dead!" Ellis screamed with venom, snatching Max from her daughter's arms. Meredith watched as Ellis smiled a devilish smile, handing the baby to Danny and both of them walking off, down the corridor laughing, while baby Max is screaming his little lungs out._

_"No! No! You can't do this! You can't take my baby! He's my baby! No!" she screamed, watching them take off. Meredith was stuck. She couldn't move and they weren't listening._

_"No, you can't do this!"_

"Wake up, Meredith!" Derek's voice began to rise in trying to get through to Meredith's sleeping state. He held her firmly in bed to stop her from hurting herself as she began to thrash across the bed.

"Meredith, it's me, Derek," he tried soothingly, "Can you wake up for me? Meredith, it's me. You're ok. You're just dreaming. Meredith?"

_"Max! Max! Come Back!" she shouted._

"Meredith, wake up!"

"Aaaahh!" she screamed while coming to sit in an upright position in the bed, her eyes quickly opening. Derek could see the fear and panic in her eyes as he held a firm grip on her shoulders, but before he was able to do anything, she fainted in his arms.

"Meredith! Mer, can you hear me? Meredith!" Derek shouted in panic trying to bring her back round. Fainting three times in under 12 hours is a very bad sign and he couldn't help but wonder if this was more than just stress. He measured her pulse while he tried his best to bring her back to a conscious state.

It was about a minute before Meredith came back round, clearly shaken up, looking around in panic, trying to process what happened and where she was. Derek was sitting on her side of the bed with one hand holding hers and the other stroking her soaking hair. She was drenched with sweat, which gave him a clear indicator just how bad the nightmare was.

Meredith woke feeling limp, as if she couldn't move one muscle of her body. The only feeling she could register was the hot, stickiness over her whole body. It was far from pleasant or comfortable and what wasn't helping was the pounding headache which was making it increasingly difficult to concentrate. When she opened her eyes, she could just about make out Derek's figure, hovering over her. She began to wonder what the hell happened and if they were still at the hospital. Slowly things came into focus, making her realise that they were in Derek's trailer. She looked into his worried eyes as he gently stroked her hair and held a firm grip on her hand, as if he didn't want to let her go. She flinched at the embarrassment of being so sweaty in front of him.

"Der…Derek?" she questioned in a strained, frazzled voice.

"Shh…you're ok, you just fainted again but you're ok now. I'm just going to go and get you a damp cloth and a glass of water."

Derek quickly jumped from the bed, ran into the kitchen and was back in the bedroom within seconds. When he entered the bedroom, he had seen that she was beginning to move into a sitting position on the bed.

"Mer," he said in a panic, "What are you doing?"

Derek moved to his original place beside her on the bed and once again, took a firm hold of her shoulders and pushed her back on the bed. She was still really pale and her eyes were still sleepy.

"Der," She moaned.

She was far from being fully awake and alert. He soothingly patted the damp wash cloth on her forehead which earned him a satisfied moan from Meredith who obviously was comforted by the cold compress. He left her sleepy form on the bed to retrieve his medical bag he had lying on the coach of the trailer. He brought it back into the bedroom so he could check her blood pressure, heart rate and temperature and hopefully do it without any protest from her but he knew that was unlikely.

"Derek, what are you doing?" she whispered, seeing him come back, sitting beside her with his medical bag in his hands. Meredith may have been drowsy earlier but there was no denying the worried features that were etched over Derek's face. Truth be told, Meredith was worried as well. She hadn't had a nightmare like that in a while and with the little energy she had, it had successfully knocked the wind right out of her.

"I just want to check you over," he said hesitantly, unable to look her in the eye in case she pleaded with him not to.

Meredith could see how much this was scaring him which made her feel incredibly guilty.

"You want me to humour you," she said as more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah," he said with a hint of hope, finally looking her in the eye.

"Ok," she whispered, closing her eyes trying to focus on her breathing, instead of how embarrassed she felt with her body being covered in sweat. It wasn't exactly a very attractive moment.

Derek watched with amazement. She didn't protest. Meredith Elizabeth Grey didn't protest.

He acted quickly, not wanting to run the risk of her changing her mind. He kept the cold compress on her forehead while he checked her blood pressure. Meredith lay as still as a statue, letting Derek help the way he knew how. At least she wasn't making him feel completely helpless.

She let out a frustrated sigh when Derek took the cold compress off her forehead in order to get an accurate reading of her temperature. He let out a small chuckle and smiled at her. He gently stuck the thermometer in her mouth.

"Sorry, it will only take a minute," he assured her, before laughing at the way she was pouting. "I was thinking that I'll listen to your heartbeat and then you can maybe go in a shower to freshen up while I make us some lunch. You must be starved."

Meredith couldn't help but blush.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked, not missing the change in her body language.

"It's nothing," she mumbled quietly.

"Meredith?" He urged.

"I'm just…I'm just a little embarrassed, I guess," she confessed, making sure not to make eye contact with Derek.

"Meredith, it's me. There is no reason for you to be embarrassed," he promised her.

"I know. It's just…it's just…"

"It's just what?" He challenged, wanting to know so he could try and make her as comfortable as humanly possible.

"I don't know," she shrugged non-committedly. "It's just not that pleasant, that's all."

Derek nodded in understanding.

"Do you have nightmares often?" He approached the subject gently.

"Don't know," she whispered shrugging, not really wanting to get into this conversation. Derek could see this and decided not to push the topic at the present time as he wanted to get her freshened up and make sure she had something to eat.

"Ok," he conceded, hating what he was about to ask. "Do you think you can sit up for me? I just want to have a little listen to your chest."

"Oh, you've got to be kidding…"

"Meredith," Derek warned, determined to get his way. No matter how hard Derek tried, the harder it was to keep his worries at bay.

"In any other circumstance, that would sound remotely dirty." Meredith gently came to a sitting position on the bed with Derek's help, allowing her to pull her t-shirt up for him to listen. Although she didn't want to, she allowed him to do it for his own piece of mind.

Derek smiled, "I know." He pulled his stethoscope from his bag, before pulling Meredith forward slightly, towards him, to place the stethoscope on her back to listen and then her front.

Derek let out a slightly relieved sigh, while gently pushing Meredith back against the pillows of the bed again.

"What is it?" She asked alarmed.

"Your blood pressure is still really high, but apart from that, everything seems ok," he said, clarifying what he already knew.

"That's good," she nodded.

"Yeah," he said with a tone of concern, "but it will be even better once you are well rested and relieved of some stress. Your blood pressure is still dangerously high Meredith."

"I know," she assured, taking his hand in hers, "We leave for the wine country on Monday and I think being out of Seattle will really help…you still want to go don't you?"

"Of course I do…its just…"

"What?" She asked, worried.

"I'm really worried because that's the third time you've fainted in the space of twelve hours. As long as you get plenty of rest today and tomorrow then we can go," Derek replied, thinking aloud.

"I thought the whole point of us going to the wine country was to get some rest," she giggled.

"It is," he said, leaning down to lightly kiss her on the lips, "but I don't want to take you there for something bad to happen."

"Oh," she sighed trying to pull her hand from his but he tightened his grip.

"Meredith, please don't pull away from me. I want you to be able to rest the wine country but I also want you to be able to enjoy it. If you spent the whole week there sleeping then I'd be more than happy but I don't want to go if we are going to spend it worrying if you aren't the slightest bit better. We are going to go Meredith but I need you to rest, I need you to tell me what you're feeling, no matter what it is and I need you to listen to me…ok?"

She giggled.

"What?" he asked, wondering what the hell she found so funny.

"It looks like my rambling has become infectious," she smiled. "You and I have spent way too much time together."

Laughter from the both of them filled the trailer.

"Oh, that is where I have to disagree," he laughed.

Derek could look and listen to Meredith giggle all day. It was infectious. The sight before him was priceless.

"Why don't you get in the shower and I'll make us some soup for lunch?" he suggested, desperately wanting her to have some food.

"That sounds great," she said as she made a move to get out of bed.

"I didn't want to risk waking you when I brought you here so I didn't change you into something more comfortable…I stopped at your house on the way here and got you some things. I'll put your leggings and Dartmouth t-shirt on the bed for when you come out the shower," he said as he went to turn the shower on for her and get her a towel out of the cupboard.

"You stopped by my house and got some of my things?" she asked.

"Yeah…is that ok?" he asked rather hesitant.

"Of course it is. I just can't believe I slept the whole way here," she admitted.

"I stopped at the grocery store too," he added.

"Seriously?" She asked, unable to wrap her mind around how she had managed to sleep through all of that.

"Yep," he said, coming back into the bedroom to give her the towel, "Ok, that's the shower on and here's the towel. I'll lay out your clothes on the bed for when you come out. I'm going to call the Chief and make us some soup for lunch. That ok for you?"

"Sounds like a plan," she nodded, curious as to why he needed to call the Chief but not wanting to ask.

Derek went into the living room to rummage through the bag he had packed for her, to find her Dartmouth t-shirt and navy sweatpants while Meredith jumped into the shower to freshen up.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

When Meredith emerged from the shower, she was hit by the aroma of tomato soap. She looked around to see Derek wasn't in the trailer. She could hear a voice outside and she realised he must be outside talking to the Chief on his blackberry. She got changed into the clothes Derek had laid on the bed. It was then she realised that Derek must have stripped and changed the bedding. This really embarrassed her. He was trying so hard to help her, he was being so kind. She couldn't help but love him for that but this was embarrassing. She was covered in so much sweat, because of a terrifying nightmare, he had to change his own bedding. Tears began to well up in her eyes. This wasn't fair to him. She was interrupted from her thoughts by someone sneaking an arm round her waist and pulling her close to them.

"Penny for your thoughts," he whispered in her ear.

Meredith didn't respond and when he heard her take a sharp intake of breath, he spun her around in alarm. It was then he came face to face with a tear faced Meredith.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked in alarm, pulling her into his arms to offer her comfort. "Are you feeling ok?"

Meredith merely nodded her head against Derek's chest as she couldn't find her voice.

"Meredith?" he encouraged.

"I'm ok," she whispered against his chest, "I'm just a little emotional at the moment. They seem to be getting the better of me these days."

Derek knew it was something more but thought it was best to let it slide for now. He simply held her close to him hoping it would be enough comfort for her.

"Why don't we sit and have some tomato soup and some fresh bread," he asked, hoping she would eat something. "How does that sound?"

"That sounds really nice," she said in a small voice, pushing herself away from Derek slightly to look him in the eye.

Derek kept an arm around Meredith's waist and guided her to the dining table and then he served up lunch.

"Was that the Chief you were talking to," she asked as Derek placed a steaming hot bowl of tomato soup in front of her.

"Uh…yes. He wanted to know how you were doing and if there was anything he could do to help," he said with uncertainty of how she would take talking about the Chief, as he sat in the seat opposite her.

"Oh," she mumbled.

"Before we left the hospital, I agreed that we would take you back in tomorrow to get you blood work done again and get you checked out before we leave for the wine country on Tuesday," He confessed, sheepishly.

"Oh," she repeated before taking a mouthful of soup, aware of Derek's intense gaze on hers.

"He misses you," Derek blurted out.

"He seen me a couple of hours ago," she said rather defensively, knowing where the topic of conversation was going.

"I think he's talking about the relationship the two of you had when you were younger and when Max was born. He says Adele misses you too," he said while looking at her, noticing she had grown visibly tense.

"He sees me at the hospital every day," she said, growing more defensive.

"It's not the same Meredith and you know it," he said gently, reaching over the table to take one of her hands in his and gave it a light squeeze to show that he wasn't interrogating her. He was only stating a fact.

"I know," she whispered, staring at her soup, "it's just…I…it's too hard."

"Why?" he asked gently.

"Because," she shrugged, knowing that wasn't any form of explanation but hopefully Derek would accept it anyway.

"Because what?"

Maybe not!

"Its…I…it…I can't help but associate them with the difficult times. Before you say anything, I know how unfair that is and how horrible that makes me. It's no surprise that after everything that happened, I left for Europe and then by the time I came back, I had already put too much distance between us that it was too hard to go back to the way we were," she rambled as more tears glistened in her eyes.

Derek got up and slid into her side of the table, putting his arm around her shoulder.

"It doesn't make you horrible and it's perfectly understandable. The Chief and Adele understand Meredith. They just miss you terribly. The Chief looked heartbroken when I spoke to him earlier. We're all really worried about you," he said, inhaling her lavender scent.

"Which is why you have all stupidly given me three weeks off," she said, with a bitter tone.

"Meredith…"

"No, Derek. Even you have to admit that it's a little extreme," she challenged, turning to look him in the eye, "and I can guarantee that three weeks off with me will literally drive you round the bend…"

"Stop it!" Derek shouted, startling her. "I'm not going to sit here and let you do this. Ok? I know three weeks seems a lot but so is months of no sleep. Meredith, I don't just want us to have these three weeks off for you to rest but I also want to spend these three weeks together reconnecting. I want…"

"Reconnecting?" She asked pensively.

"Yes, reconnecting," he answered sharply. "I want you to talk about Max. I'd love to know everything about him - the good, the bad, the hard times. I want to know everything…as long as you're comfortable with that, of course. I want to know everything that happened with your Mother and Adele and Richard. I want to know things Meredith. Not just the big things but the little things…I want you to learn things about me and my family…" he rambled on but was interrupted by the sound of Meredith's infectious giggle.

"What?" he asked, smiling at her.

"The rambling is definitely contagious," she smiled at him, leaning in for a gentle kiss on the lips. The kiss him that gave him the answer he so desperately needed, that they would spend the next three weeks talking, to truly get to know one another. "I'm going to have to be careful who I choose to infect it with."

Derek stretched over to pull his bowl of soup over to their side of the table. The couple sat and ate their lunch in a comfortable silence. Derek was greatly comforted by the fact that she was actually eating something. He was comforted knowing that they would spend the next three weeks getting to know one another properly, that they were making a step in the right direction. Meredith was comforted knowing that Derek wasn't mad at her for keeping Amax a secret. He still loved her in spite of it all. For once in her life, Meredith Grey actually had hope.

"Derek?" she sighed.

"Yeah?" He asked gently.

"Do you really think that they miss me?" She asked, terrified of the answer. "And I want you to be honest even if you think it'll…"

Derek was taken aback, not expecting her to ask this.

"Yeah. Yeah I do," he said with a confident voice. "There's not a doubt in my mind."

"Do you think I should try…that I should try…"

"I have an idea," he said lightly knowing that she was struggling to communicate about Richard and Adele.

"What?" asked slightly relieved that he could make the suggestion.

"Why don't, when we get back from the wine country, we invite them over for dinner?" He asked. "Nothing special," he continued. "Just something light. A relaxed atmosphere where I'll be the chef and your wingman."

"Do you think they'll come with all the marital problems they've been having?" She asked, thinking aloud.

"I think if they were to be invited to a dinner with you they would jump at the chance and put their differences aside," he smiled at her encouragingly.

"You really think so?" she asked, laughing slightly, from her nerves getting the better of her.

"I do," he nodded, kissing her.

"Ok," she agreed.

"Ok what?"

"We'll invite them to dinner. You can be my wingman," she whispered in his ear.

Derek couldn't help but laugh. She was joking and laughing with him which could only be seen as a positive.

Derek did the washing up while Meredith sat outside on one of the chairs watching the surroundings. Derek made them both a cup of coffee and came outside to sit with her.

"You bought my lavender conditioner," she smiled at him, gently sipping her coffee.

"I wanted you to feel at home," he said, giving her his signature smile.

"I do," she whispered, "I really do."

Both sat outside feeling overwhelmed at the thought of how they had managed to come so far in the space of twelve hours. Neither one of them was prepared for the difficult road that was ahead of them but both needed to remember that they were Meredith and Derek. They could face anything together. But in order to face things together, they would have to stay together.

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	9. Risky Business

Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Secrets Never Shared.

Risky Business

Meredith and Derek sat in, what appeared to be, a comfortable silence, outside the trailer. Meredith had her eyes closed, listening to the birds chirping away to one another while Derek sat and watched her, wondering how long she had been having these nightmares for. He remembered a few nights when they were first together, where she would toss and turn as well as talk in her sleep. But he never paid close enough attention to what she was saying. Derek desperately wanted to know about them.

How long had she been having them?

Was it always the same nightmare or did she have different nightmares?

Were they always as bad as the one he witnessed?

As if reading his mind, without opening her eyes and turning to look at him, she spoke softly." They don't happen that often and I haven't had one as bad as that in a year or so."

"Oh, you're a mind reader now?" he chuckled, hoping to keep the conversation light.

"Maybe," she giggled, opening her eyes to look at him.

Derek paused for a second, pondering how to continue with this as he didn't want her to shut down. He couldn't bare that. She had already come so far within hours, as if the big secret she had been keeping bottled up was a big part of the key that would set her free from her troubled past.

"Is it always the same nightmare?" he asked softly, watching her closely.

"Similar," she began, "I mean I've had the same nightmare. It's just that I have more than one nightmare. They are all pretty similar though."

Meredith and Derek were interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing inside the trailer.

"I better get that," she whispered softly, getting off the chair to go inside.

Derek simply smiled and nodded at her, reaching for her hand to give it a gentle squeeze as she passed. He was silently cursing whoever it was that called her interrupting their conversation. He knew it wasn't going to be easy to strike that conversation back up again. He knew he would have to but it meant bringing her more pain and heartache. He couldn't help but think that its times like this that you realise it has got to get worse in order to get better. However, did this mean that they hadn't been through the worst of it? That they would have to go through worse in order for their relationship to get better?

No matter what, Derek was adamant that he was staying by Meredith's side, no matter how much she tried to push him away. He was always going to be by her side as there is nowhere else in the world he would rather be.

Derek turned to look inside the trailer as he heard Meredith pleading with the person on the other end of the phone. He couldn't make out exactly what she was saying but he could see her pacing the length of the trailer. This couldn't be good for her or her health considering how many dizzy and fainting spells she had in the past few hours. Instinctively, he made his way inside to the trailer to assess what was going on. Two seconds inside the trailer and Derek already knew who was on the other end of the phone and had the love of his life, once again, reduced to tears.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

Meredith was silently thanking the person calling as it was getting her out of an awkward conversation with Derek. She knew she would have to talk to him about the nightmares at some point but at least this allowed her a little time to collect her thoughts on how to explain them to him. Derek had a bad habit of analysing every little detail to death and telling him about her nightmares would only result in a very big analytical session which more than likely result in an argument.

She quickly answered her phone, too distracted to look at the caller ID but immediately regretted it realising it was a drunk Thatcher on the other end of the line.

"Mer…Meredith?" the old man slurred on the other end of the phone.

"Thatcher… Is everything ok?" she asked, unable to hide the uncertainty in his voice.

"Mer…Meredith…I…I'm calling to…to say…say how sorry I am…for everything. I...I…I said some terrible…terrible, unforgivable things…to…to you…"

"Thatcher, where are you?" she asked in a panic, frightened that he's somewhere in danger. Although, she would never admit to anyone how frightened she really was.

"I'm so, so, so…so very, very sorry…You'll always be my little girl…I…I know I said such…such horrible things to you…oh…I…and I…and I slapped you…"

"Thatcher, where are you?" she asked with a little determination in her voice, while she began to pace the floors of the trailer.

"I'm…I'm at home…but…but Susan isn't here…she…she's gone…you…you already know that…he… he… isn't it funny…she died from the hiccups…who dies from the hiccups? She always had to be different, did Susan…always…different…dying from the hiccups… I often think about dying…"

Meredith began to feel her chest tighten with pain at every word he spoke.

"Thatcher, is anybody in the house with you?" She interrupted him, losing her patience.

"No, no, no…I'm…I'm all alone…" he continued to slur into the receiver. "I'm all alone…"

Meredith had very little strength left after the day's events and was using the little she had left to try and make out what Thatcher was saying as swell as try to analyse the situation over the phone.

"Have you spoken to Lexie?" she asked in a painful whisper, unable to keep her tears at bay.

"No, I wanted to talk to you!" he yelled down the phone, as Meredith turned to see that Derek had just walked into the trailer with a worried look etched in his features.

"Ok…ok," she whispered, as Derek took her hand and pulled her forward into a comforting embrace.

"I'll…eh…I'll give Lexie a call and see if she can make it home on her lunch…"

"Meredith, I need you," he whispered. It was the first proper sentence he spoke without slurring it since the start of the conversation.

She looked into Derek's eyes as he shook his head at her mouthing no.

"Meredith, are you still there?" Thatcher asked sounding pained.

"Uh…yeah…yeah, I'm here. I'll be right there," she said, giving Derek a pleading look.

Derek ignored that look and tried his best to get the phone out of Meredith's hands.

"Meredith? Meredith? Please, give me the phone?" he asked while wrestling with her for it. Even through her exhaustion, she was bloody feisty.

"Derek I need to handle this," she said but unfortunately Derek managed to take her mobile from her hands.

"Thatcher?" he asked slightly annoyed, whilst trying to keep Meredith from grabbing the phone off of him.

"Who's…who…is…this?" Thatcher asked unsure of what was going on.

"It's Derek, Thatcher. Derek Shepherd, Meredith's boyfriend," Derek answered trying to stay cool for Meredith's sake.

"Oh, is Mer…eh…Meredith there?" The older man spluttered out through the phone line.

Derek cringed.

"Yeah, she's here but she can't come to the phone right now," he said as Meredith sent him a death glare still trying to reach for the phone.

"Derek!" She admonished.

"Oh…well..."

"Listen Thatcher, I'm going to call Lexie for you…"

"No! No! No Lexie! I…"

"Derek please," Meredith pleaded.

"Is…is that…Mer…can…can I talk…talk to her?" Thatcher slurred down the phone.

"Thatcher, I'm really sorry but she can't come to the phone right now," he whispered, repeating what he had already said, while watching as Meredith began to stop fighting him and was able to easily pull her into his arms to comfort her as he spoke to Thatcher.

"Why…why…"

"Thatcher, where, in the house, are you?" he asked as he held Meredith close to him and guided them to the bed.

"In the bedroom!" he shouted, exasperated as if Derek had asked the most ridiculous question on earth.

"Right…Thatcher, I want you to stay there and I'll get…"

"Where's Meredith?" Thatcher questioned, sounding aggravated.

"Thatcher, are you hurt?" Derek asked, not sounding the least bit sympathetic or concerned.

"No," Thatcher mumbled.

"I'm going to send Lexie round to help you because Meredith's not well at the moment and isn't able to drive. Is that alright?" He asked, although the tone he used suggested Thatcher should not even try and argue back but considering the man was drunk, he wasn't exactly going to pick up on Derek's pissed off mood. He wanted nothing more than to tell the drunk man on the phone to piss off and he was pretty sure Meredith wanted that too but he knew she wouldn't thank him for it.

"No Lexie…no…no Lexie," Thatcher spat down the phone.

All of a sudden the line goes dead from Thatcher's side of the phone line.

"Thatcher? Thatcher?" Derek spoke down the phone just to be sure the man had actually hung up.

"He hung up on you, didn't he?" she whispered, turning away from him.

"Yeah," he sighed, knowing she was angry.

"Hey, its ok. I'll just give Lexie a call," he assured her while rubbing a hand up and down her back. However, she quickly jerked from his touch and got up to move around the bedroom area of the trailer.

"What are you doing?" he asked in a panic, guessing what was coming.

"Don't bother calling Lexie. I'm going to go and see to him," she muttered.

"Like hell you are. You can't go…"

"Why?" she yelled, finally looking him in the eye. "Because you said so?"

"Hey, you just…"

"I just what? What Derek? I can't go and see to him because I'm 'sick'…because, god forbid I should take responsibility and actually deal with the fact my father has a drinking problem…not that he actually is my father…you see this…this is why I can't see me and you having the forever after crap … because according to you I can't do things myself…I knew the moment I told you about Max you would try and cocoon me…mollycoddle me or whatever… from everything and everybody in life…I have been dealing with problems like my mother and my father my whole damn life and I'm pretty darn good at dealing with it…" she rambled on as she got dressed in front of him.

Derek was in shock but decided against answering back as someone would most definitely say something they might regret. With that in mind, he stepped into the kitchen area and began dialling Lexie's number. After a couple of rings, she answered.

"Hello. Meredith?" Lexie questioned, unable to keep the surprise from her voice. Her sister was actually calling her.

"Lexie? Its Derek," he answered.

It was at that point, the line went dead as Meredith had quickly snatched her mobile from his hands and hit the disconnect button.

"What the hell?" he almost barked, turning to face her.

"What the hell? What the hell?" she began to scream. "Who are you to call Lexie and involve her in this? Did he ask for Lexie, Derek? No, he didn't. He asked for me meaning I have to go to him because if Lexie goes instead of me then all hell is going to break loose! He…"

"What are you talking about?" he asked uncertain of the point she was trying to make.

"If Lexie goes then all she is going to get is a load of abuse…"

"Like you have…"

"This isn't about revenge. I can't expect her to leave in the middle of her shift to see to him," she explained, her defence suddenly breaking which didn't go unnoticed by Derek. He knew that she had very little energy and it was being wasted on a pointless argument.

"How about you go and lie down and get some sleep while I go and make sure Thatcher is ok?" He suggested.

"You can't Derek. Thank you but you can't," she whispered as she looked around the bedroom floor for her handbag.

"Why not?" he sighed, while putting a finger under her chin to lift it so she was facing him.

"Because he's drunk," she responded blatantly. "He'll say a lot of stuff and he won't be able to be left on his own. I'll have to go and stay there until Lexie's shift finishes whenever the hell that is."

"No way," he said adamantly. "You can't Mer."

"Will you stop telling me what I can and can't do," she said slightly exasperated.

"Sorry, I'm just really worried here and this isn't fair on you. I can't help but worry," he said cautiously, carefully placing his hand on her shoulder.

"It's not fair on anyone. We just have to do the best we can and that means me going round to help him," she sighed, getting sick and tired of the conversation.

"What happens if when we get there, his mood has changed and he doesn't want you there?" He asked, hoping she'd maybe face the reality of this.

Derek knew he shouldn't push her but he was running out of ideas to make her see sense. Going round to Thatcher's was only going to cause trouble with a capital't'!

"Then I either tuff it out or if he's really bad then I call Lexie or Molly…but you know I really don't think he will be difficult…he didn't sound difficult. Did he sound difficult to you? I mean…"

"Yes," he agreed.

"What?" she asked confused.

"He sounded difficult to me…."

"Maybe that was because…."

"Meredith!" he shouted, suddenly losing his patience but regretted the moment he seen her flinch.

"Don't snap at me," she whispered, facing the floor.

Derek placed a hand on both sides of her face and lifted it so she was facing him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered sincerely, leaning in to kiss her. Derek gently nudged her lips apart so their tongues could partake in a dance that showed each other the affection and comfort they needed. It took Derek all the strength to pull away because he knew that if he didn't then his arousal would soon be standing to attention and the last thing he wanted to do was take a cold shower.

"Meredith, your body has done nothing today, but show us signs of how exhausted you really are. You have too much spinning in your mind which isn't going to help you rest so the best thing that you can do is try to switch off in order to relax and I'm going to be here to help you do that," he said with a suggested smirk on his face which Meredith reciprocated with a half-smile.

"If you really want to help Thatcher then I'll support you 110% but you physically and mentally cannot do that until you are better."

Derek still had both hands on Meredith's face to make sure she was paying attention to what he was saying.

"I know that Derek but what else am I supposed to do and for the record, I don't want to support him but he's my responsibility," she sighed.

"He's not your responsibility Meredith," he assured her. "Or he is not just yours which is why I'm going to compromise with you here."

"What do you mean?" she asked unsure.

"If you promise me that you will stay in bed and get some sleep then I'll go and stay with Thatcher," he reluctantly suggested. "I'll make sure he's ok until Lexie gets home from her shift."

"Derek, I can't ask you…you can't…I have to do…"

"You didn't ask me to do anything. Besides, I'm offering but it is on the condition that you stay in bed and get some rest," he said, giving her a serious look.

"Ok," she whispered, feeling slightly intimidated. She had to accept one way or another that she was not going to get her own way on this and truth be told, she couldn't think of anything much worse to do that day than face Thatcher Grey.

"Good," he smiled, gently guiding her back towards the bedroom to help her get back into her pyjamas and into bed.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

After leaving Meredith in the trailer, Derek couldn't help but worry about what she was going to do. He played her words in his mind over and over again.

_'I have been dealing with problems like my mother and my father my whole damn life and I'm pretty darn good at dealing with it'_

_'He's my responsibility'_

_'This is why I can't see me and you having the happily ever after'_

_'This is why I can't see me and you having the happily ever after'_

_'This is why I can't see me and you having the happily ever after'_

In any other circumstance, Meredith and Derek would have probably had a full blown argument but Derek was trying his best not to take the things she said at heart, as her being as tired as she is, not everything she says will be true or even make a lot of sense. However, this didn't settle Derek's uneasiness. He was clinging to the hope that they were the legends 'Meredith and Derek' and they would make it but he also realised he might have to accept the reality that it's not what she really wanted.

Even if Meredith was to get passed her fear of commitment, there was no guarantee she would ever overcome what happened to Max enough to have children with Derek. All he knew was that he couldn't live his life without her so if that meant not having children then it would be a sacrifice he would make as nothing was more important than being with Meredith.

With that thought in mind, and the fact he couldn't shift the uneasiness in his stomach, Derek dialled the only number he could think of.

"Richard Webber speaking," the voice came through the line.

"Richard, its Derek," he whispered.

"Hey, is everything ok?" He asked, completely concerned.

"Yeah…well, no actually it's not," he sighed.

"What's happened?" Richard asked, sounding panicked.

"Meredith got a disturbing phone call from Thatcher, it's a long story but I'm heading over there now," Derek explained with a grunt.

"Is Meredith with you?" Richard asked, sounding surprised.

"No, I left her at the trailer to sleep but after all that's happened today, I'm a little wary of the fact she's on her own. Do you know if any of her friends are off right now?"

"No, they're all on and to make things worse, they're all scrubbed in…I could always go and sit with her."

"I couldn't ask you to do that."

"It's not any trouble. It would be a good excuse to catch up on all this paper work while she's sleeping."

"Are you sure?" Derek asked, relieved to have someone watching over Meredith.

"Positive," Richard asserted.

"Ok, well Mark has a copy of the trailer key and I hope to god she's asleep when you get there so just make yourself comfy and help yourself to whatever you need," Derek whispered.

"No problem," Richard pledged, sounding awfully confident.

"Oh and Richard?" Derek queried, knowing he would have to warn him.

"Yeah?" Richard asked, hoping it wasn't more frightful news.

"She snores," Derek chuckled.

The Chief can't help but laugh.

"Just look after her for me," Derek thought aloud. "I'll be home as soon as possible."

"I'll make sure she's ok and be careful with Thatcher, Derek," Richard warned as a protective friend.

"I will and if you see Lexie, don't say anything," Derek added.

"I won't," he answered.

"Thanks Richard," Derek smiled.

"No problem Derek. I'm leaving now. I'll see you later."

"See you later, Richard."

Derek hung up as his stomach began to tighten into a knot when he turned into the street Meredith directed him too before he left her. Derek had also promised her to call her if Thatcher was being difficult but he knew, even as he was saying it, he wouldn't. He wasn't going to hand more stress to her on a plate. It was time Thatcher got some home truths whether he liked it or not. Thatcher wasn't going to use his Meredith. No way.

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	10. She's Always an Amazing Woman to Me

Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Secrets Never Shared.

She's Always an Amazing Woman to Me

Derek slowly made his way up the pathway to a house filled with such sadness, pain and uncertainty. The front door was unlocked which made it easy for Derek as he imagined he would have to fight to even get in the door. He scanned the mess of the hallway and living room, taking note of the alcohol stained carpets, photo's scattered all over the living room floor as if they'd been ripped out of a photo album.

It would be a lie to say Derek didn't feel sympathy for Thatcher but a large part of him couldn't let go of what he had put Meredith through.

"Thatcher!" Derek called up the stairs so he knew he was there and wasn't going to startle him.

Derek got an incoherent grunt in response.

As he ascended the stairs, he could see a shadow lurking in the hallway. As he got closer, he seen Thatcher sitting on the floor of the hallway with an almost empty bottle of vodka in one hand and a photo gripped tightly in the other.

"Where's Meredith?" He asked without even looking up to acknowledge Derek.

"She couldn't come…eh…she's not feeling well," Derek whispered awkwardly, unsure of what to do or say. "Do you not remember me telling you that on the phone?"

"Huh…how original…not feeling well," he scoffed, mocking what Derek had said.

"She coul…" he began to shout but quickly realised that Meredith wouldn't forgive him if he divulged him in too much information such as her collapsing at work. Derek decided to ignore his snide comment and probe Thatcher about what the hell he was playing at.

"How much have you had to drink Thatcher?" Derek asked him in a professional voice.

"Huh?" he asked, finally looking up and making eye contact with Derek.

"I want to talk to Meredith," he tried to state firmly, but it came out a pathetic squeak.

"Well I'm afraid you'll have to put up with me for now and you can talk to Meredith later, if she's feeling a little better." He tried to reason, hoping it would get Thatcher to back down on the argument. He was so thankful he had managed to get Meredith to agree to stay home. Looking at the mess of both Thatcher and the house, he thanked his lucky stars that she wasn't here and wouldn't be, anytime in the near future, if he had anything to do with it.

"Oh God," he sighed.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked worriedly, crouching down by the drunken man's side. Thatcher didn't respond to him, instead turning to the other side and threw up over the hall landing.

"Perfect. Just perfect," he sighed.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

Derek helped Thatcher get freshened up and got him to lay down in bed, knowing there would be no point in talking to him until he had slept off some of that alcohol. While Thatcher slept, he got down on his hands and knees and cleaned the hall carpet, the stairs, the living room carpet and the kitchen floor as all of them either had a sick stain or alcohol stain. He went around the house putting all rubbish, empty bottles and pieces of glass into rubbish bags. He then gathered all photographs that were scattered in every room of the house and put them on the coffee table in the living room.

Once he had finished cleaning the house from top to bottom, he contemplated calling Meredith but decided against it as he knew what he had to say would only upset her and then there's the fact she was probably asleep and he wouldn't want to disturb her. He just hoped that Richard was ok keeping an eye on her.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

Richard managed to make it to the trailer rather quickly. He got hold of Patricia as soon as he got off the phone from Derek and made sure she knew what was to happen for the rest of the day. Ever since this morning, images of Meredith lying in the hospital bed and ones of Max in his incubator didn't seem to want to leave his mind, no matter how hard he tried. To top it all, he had Erica Hawn nipping his ear all day about how good Meredith would be as a cardio resident. As much as Richard agreed with her, trying to explain to Erica that she would need to tread carefully with this and let him handle it without indulging her in any personal information was not easy.

He parked the car and quietly made his way into the trailer, being extra cautious not to wake Meredith. Taking one look at Meredith, curled up in the bed at the back of the trailer, he could tell that as much as she was asleep, it was far from peaceful. He could feel his heart break as he knew how hard it was for him and Adele to overcome the loss they felt when Max died but they had each other. Who did Meredith have? As far as he was concerned, Meredith didn't grieve for her son. He knew that wasn't Meredith's fault though. She couldn't allow herself to grieve because she didn't know how to as well as the small fact she had nobody by her side to show her, be there for her, support her and love her when she needed it most.

Richard had sat and worked on his paperwork for well over an hour when he got up and made himself a coffee, knowing he wouldn't disturb Meredith as she wouldn't be able to hear anything over her own snoring. As he poured the boiling water into the cup, he accidentally spilt a bit of water on his hand. Cursing himself for doing it, he began to shake his hand up and down in order to shake off the horrible, burning sensation. When he did this though, it caused him to knock over the cup and a couple of bowls that were on the kitchen counter. Falling to the ground, they hit the floor of the trailer; smashing and making the hot coffee go everywhere. Richard carefully manoeuvred himself into the bathroom to get a towel to dry up the floor with. However, as he did so, he slightly lost his balance and went tumbling into the bathroom, the door slamming behind him. He managed to find a clean towel in there, but as he made his way out the bathroom, he came face to face with a frying pan.

"Ouch!" Richard screeched in pain losing his balance and falling back against the toilet seat.

"That's what you….oh my god…Chief?" Meredith couldn't believe this. One minute she's waking up thinking there is a burglar in the trailer and now she's face to face with her chief of surgery, who she's just used a frying pan to clobber over his head.

"Oh my god," Meredith gasped. "I am so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry. I thought you were a burglar," she said in a panic, while helping Richard up and helping him over to the sofa area, being careful not to slip on the spilt coffee.

At first, Richard couldn't see that clearly as she had hit him with one hell of a force but after a couple of minutes, the blurriness disappeared and he couldn't help but look at her incredulously.

"You thought I was a burglar?" he asked, trying to get it clear in his own head as she retrieved an ice pack from the freezer.

"I am so sorry Chief…I just…I just heard all the banging and I knew it couldn't be Derek because he's out and I knew it couldn't be Christina or George, Alex or Izzie because they're at work and well…I didn't expect you to be here…as soon as I heard the smash of plates I just automatically lead to the …"

"Its ok Meredith," he whispered, not wanting to upset her more by telling her the rambling was not helping his throbbing headache.

"Maybe you should lie down Chief. It might help," she whispered.

"No, I'm ok. The ice pack is definitely helping."

"Chief, I am just so sorry," she mumbled, trying to hold back tears.

"If anybody should be sorry, it should be me," he sighed.

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked bewildered.

"I disturbed you from your sleep," he joked. Meredith couldn't help but laugh which was more than enough to ease the pain of Richard's headache.

"Well that's ok. I think it's safe to say you've paid a high enough price," she laughed, indicating to his slightly swollen forehead.

"Good to know," he smiled.

After a couple of minutes of silence, she asked the embarrassing question, "Are you feeling ok Chief? No blurred vision or dizziness?"

"No, I'm ok. Thanks Meredith." Richard smiled at her because despite all she was feeling, she always put others first. "And shouldn't I be asking you that?"

"Hmm," Meredith sighed.

"How are you feeling? You gave us quite a scare this morning," he confessed.

"Uh…yeah sorry about that Chief…I'm ok though."

"Hmm," he says, knowing full well that she is lying. "You know Derek's only going to let you full yourself for so long."

"What do you mean?" she asked him, looking at him as if he had lost his marbles.

"I mean Derek is going to be with you every step of the way to help you through this but he's not going to be able to begin to help you if you don't tell him what's going on," he said, looking at her intently.

Meredith contemplated what he said for a few minutes, feeling the well -known moisture return to her eyes.

"I know," she whispered.

"There isn't a day goes by where Adele and i don't think about him Meredith," he whispered, taking one of her small, shaking hands in his.

"Me too Chief," she sighed with a small smile on her face. "Me too," she murmured, staring at the hand Richard had entwined with his.

"There are nights where I lie awake and can still see his bright green eyes staring back at me," Richard admitted.

"I know," she giggled. "Anytime I've had a really hard day, I would lie in bed and think about the way he used to curl up closer to my chest every time I sang Humpty Dumpty or that other nursery rhyme, the one with the dog in the window. I always said that was his way of asking me to shut the hell up," she giggled.

"I remember that," he smiled. "I use to go in everyday before I left for the night and tell him about the patients I had treated."

"You did?" she asked, surprised.

"I did." he confirmed. "And every night he would take a firm hold of my finger and wouldn't let go. That's what told me he was paying attention."

"He was so strong, so special," she whispered.

"He was," he whispered, feeling his eyes water as he watched soft tears flow from Meredith's eyes.

Richard pulled Meredith close and let her cry into his chest with the knowledge of knowing that everything would work out ok in the end.

"You know, Derek suggested that the four of us do dinner when we get back from our vacation," Meredith blurted out.

"He did?" he asked curiously.

"Yeah, do you…do you think Adele would be up for it?" she asked hesitantly.

"Aw honey, I think she'll do her happy dance around the house when I tell her," he smiled.

"Her happy dance?" she giggled.

All Richard could do was laugh with her because in that moment, nothing had felt simpler in a long time.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

When Derek went to check on Thatcher for the fifth time since he'd been there that afternoon, he was wide awake, puking his guts out in the basin Derek had put by his bed.

"Large consumptions of alcohol will do that to you," he muttered.

"What happened?" he whispered hoarsely.

"You got so drunk that you called Meredith in a state begging her to come talk to you, sending her into a panic, hence the reason I am here," he stated in a professional manner.

"You said she wasn't well," he said, walking past Derek, out of the room and into the bathroom to dispose of all the vomit.

Truth be told, as much as Derek was use to horrible smells when dealing with sick patients, he couldn't seem to get use to the smell in this house and was having to breathe through his mouth to stop himself from being sick himself.

"She is sick. Your phone call didn't exactly help matters," he sighed as Thatcher stumbled back into the room.

"You know, you have some nerve," he whispered harshly.

"Excuse me?" Derek asked incredulously.

"You can't stand there and lecture me about upsetting Meredith when, lets' face it, you did a great job of that all on your own. Look at you, standing there on your high horse but I guess you being a neurosurgeon, you think you have the right to do that. I use to live with a surgeon you know. I know all about surgeons and their high horses," he rambled with spite.

It took Derek a few minutes to process the things that were just said to him.

"Rather ironic coming out of your mouth, don't you think?" Derek asked rather bitterly.

Thatcher let out a chuckling sound in response. It took him a few minutes to compose himself before he opened up to Derek.

"You know she was such a tiny baby, 5lbs and 5ounces. She was so tiny yet so beautiful. You took one look into those piercing green eyes of hers and you would get lost in them. She was perfect," Thatcher muttered bitterly.

Derek sat in the chair that was in the corner of the room listening intently to him.

"She never made a sound when she was born, she never cried during the night when she needed fed or when her nappy needed changing, she was just content laying there, waiting for one of us to wake up which nine times out of ten would always be me because Ellis would be exhausted from working a shift at the hospital or she would actually be at the hospital with her lover," Thatcher finished off sounding resentful.

"It couldn't have been easy," he whispered softly.

"It got to the stage where my wife would just come in the door from a twelve hour shift, kiss me and Meredith goodnight and walk up the stairs to bed and that would be it…She wouldn't even make the effort to hide the hickey's plastered all over her neck," he said in a bitter laugh.

"I cracked. I couldn't take it anymore. I met Susan through an old friend and we hit it off. She loved Meredith to pieces. They use to have little tea parties together."

Thatcher could see the curious look that Derek was giving him.

"I…I…don't think Meredith can remember, she was four and at that point everything was so messy and she was being shoved from person to person, none of them being the two people she should have really spent that time with- her parents," he sighed, with sadness.

"Susan and i spent a bit of time with her but it was a brand new relationship. We wanted to be on our own to see if the relationship would go anywhere. Truth be told, it was getting harder and harder to spend time with Meredith because I always associated her with her mother. She never looked like her mother, she never sounded like her, she never acted like her but yet, I could nothing but associate this beautiful little child with her monster of a mother and that's when I knew. I had to walk away," he murmured.

"You just left them?" Derek asked unable to hide the shock from his voice. "Just like that?"

"Mm hmm, on Christmas Day…I…I just couldn't take it and before you start breathing down my throat about how terrible that was, you don't need to waste your breath because I already know how horrible it was. It wasn't fair on Meredith and as much as I know it doesn't mean anything but I have regretted the decision ever since."

Both men sat in silence for a few minutes, each unsure of what to say.

"What's your excuse?" Thatcher asked, turning slightly on the bed to face Derek.

"What?" he asked, becoming defensive.

"What's your excuse for abandoning Meredith?" he asked bluntly.

"You can't seriously…."

"I know my reason was far from a good one and a father should never leave his daughter…but how do you justify abandoning the love of your life on more than one occasion?" he asked as if it was the most casual thing in the world, which only aggravated Derek more.

"You have no right…"

"Don't I?" Thatcher challenged.

"No, you don't," he accused harshly, getting up from the chair, to pace the bedroom floors.

"Derek, you abandon her after her wife shows up. You abandon her after she drowns and I'm guessing you had to abandon her when it came to competing for chief and the question there is did you go back to Meredith after you were unsuccessful or were you offered the job and declined it because you finally decided a life without Meredith is no life at all which is rather ironic considering all the damage you had already caused in the relationship?"

"Where the hell do you…"

"Which one is it?" Thatcher asked.

"That is none of your…."

"Just answer the question," he demanded bluntly, loving the fact he was not allowing Derek to get a word in edge ways.

"You have no right to…"

"I think you'll find I have every right," he emphasised.

"And how…"

"I know you think that I have no right but here's the thing, no matter how many times she tries to deny it, she will always be my baby girl and I take a big part of the responsibility for screwing up her past. She never got a normal childhood. So I want to be sure that the person Meredith chooses to spend the rest of her life with does everything in his power, until the day he dies, giving her everything she possibly dreams of because she is the one selfless person in the world that deserves it," he rambled with tears in his eyes.

Derek didn't know whether to yell at the man sitting in front of him for getting at him for something he did many years ago. However, he couldn't help but think in some weird way he was right.

"How do I know you won't hurt her again?" Thatcher asked, pulling Derek from his thoughts.

"You don't need to know. The only person that needs to know that is Meredith," Derek retaliated in a low, threatening tone. He detested the conversation with every part of his being. How could he be compared to a drunk who abandoned his daughter at Christmas with a mother who never really showed Meredith that she loved her?

"You've given me nothing to suggest that you're serious about her!" Thatcher barked.

"She's the love of my life!" Derek shouted. "And considering you have virtually no relationship with Meredith, excuse me if I don't feel the need to defend myself to a drunk like you," he added vehemently.

"Well, if she is the love of your life, why does everybody and everything else come before her?" Thatcher asked, choosing to ignore Derek's dig at him as a father.

"Did you take something along with the alcohol? Are you high on something?" Derek asked in a professional tone, wondering if there was something else pushing him to be this way.

"How dare you!" he spat.

"How dare I? You're the one sitting here trying to tell me I'm not good enough for Meredith. Let us get one thing clear, she is the love of my life and I consider myself the luckiest man alive to be with her and if you think for one second that I'm going to stand here and justify my actions to the man who ripped Meredith to shreds years ago and then again after she gave you a second chance, you went and blamed her for Susan's death!"

"I had just lost my wife!"

"You slapped her across the face!" Derek cringed at the memory.

A few moments went by where they composed themselves.

"Why didn't you go after her?" Thatcher blurted out.

"What?" Derek asked, finally looking Thatcher in the eye again.

"Why didn't you go after her? You stuck around to give me a horrible venomous look, but you didn't go after her. Why?" he prodded, seeming interested.

"Because…because she didn't want me to," he said, feeling the pain of the memory hit him.

"Yes she did. She wanted to get as far away from me as possible but that didn't mean she didn't want you," He explained rationally. "It would have been up to you to follow her because she wouldn't want to talk to you with me still there."

"You know for a man talking about how he literally crushed his daughter's heart in two, you are awfully calm and showing little emotion," he accused, trying to steer the conversation in a different direction.

"I have to be that way," he stated simply.

"Why?" Derek pushed.

"Because it stops it from hurting," Thatcher confessed finally.

"You don't deserve to be free from hurt considering the amount of damage you caused!" Derek spat, finding that he was growing increasingly frustrated with Thatcher.

"I know I don't but it's the only way to move on," He admitted.

"Really?" Derek mocked. "Have you tried apologising to your daughter?"

"Which one?" Thatcher asked.

Oh he could not be serious? He needed to know which one to apologise to?

"You know fine well which one!" Derek spat, losing his cool.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Lexie asked, appearing in the doorway. She could hear their voices the moment she parked the car and couldn't contain her shock at seeing Derek Shepherd standing in her parents' bedroom.

"Dr Shepherd, what are you doing here?" Lexie asked, trying to take in the scene in front of her.

"Uh, well, a little after lunch time, your father called Meredith in a drunken state saying he needed to talk to her. She wasn't able to come because, well, she's not to well at the moment so I came instead."

"Oh Dr Shepherd I'm so sorry," she whispered, as she indicated for them to step into the hallway so they were out of earshot from Thatcher.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Lexie," Thatcher mumbled as he began to lie back against the bed and fall asleep.

"I take it that's what the phone call was about earlier," she whispered softly as they got out into the hall. "I just assumed you got called away for something urgent."

"Yeah, Mer wanted to come but she collapsed at work earlier…"

"She collapsed? Is she ok?" She asked, worry etched all over her features.

"Yeah, she's fine. She just needs to take it easy for now," he whispered, silently cursing himself for letting that slip to her sister.

"Thank you for seeing to him. You didn't have to do that," She whispered, suddenly feeling awkward, wondering what Derek had to put up with from Thatcher.

"You don't have to put up with it you know? You can get him help. I could recommend…"

"I appreciate the help today Dr Shepherd but me and Molly know what we're doing," she stated firmly, leaving no room for argument.

"I'm sure you do. Well, I better get going."

"Will you tell Meredith I was asking for her and I hope she gets better soon?" Lexie asked hesitantly.

"I will do. Bye Lexie," he whispered, grabbing his jacket and heading for the stairs.

"Dr Shepherd?" Lexie asked .

"Yes?" he asked, turning back round.

"Look after her," she smiled. "From what I hear, she's a pretty amazing woman," Lexie added looking saddened.

"I know Lexie," he smiled. "I know and you will too. Just be patient with her."

Derek made his exit quickly and quietly, wanting to get out of there as fast as possible. He couldn't be more thankful for Lexie coming in when she did as it had been an extremely long day and Thatcher's attitude was not helping matters. All he could think about was getting home to Meredith but there was one place he needed to go first.

Like? Dislike? I don't think I've ever been so nervous about posting a chapter.


	11. Graveyard Friendship

Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Secrets Never Shared.

Graveyard Friendship

Meredith paced the floor of the trailer, contemplating what to do. The Chief had been paged to the hospital a few hours ago but only left after Meredith gave him a big lecture about how all she was going to do was sleep and she didn't need a baby sitter for that. She reassured him that she was fine and that at that present moment in time, he had nothing to worry about.

However, now there was, as Meredith had just come off the phone with Lexie who had filled her in on everything that happened over at Thatcher's house. Apparently Derek had left there a few hours ago and he was nowhere to be seen. She phoned the hospital to find out if he had been paged but the nurse had informed her Dr Shepherd hadn't been paged since before he left the hospital this morning.

Going by what Lexie had said on the phone, Derek and Thatcher had been at each other's throats, more than likely throwing nothing but insults in each other's faces. Meredith cringed at the thought of what words were exchanged between the two, especially with them being on their own. She could feel the bile rising from her stomach, unable to stop questioning if Derek was ok? Did he not come back because he was worried that she would be mad that he told Lexie she had collapsed? Had Thatcher said something? Meredith couldn't stop herself from worrying and once again, she was on the floor unconscious.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

Derek had been driving around the streets of Seattle for the past hour playing everything that had happened over the past twenty four hours, repeatedly in his mind.

_"If I were to move on and be with you, what would that say about Max?"_

_"I was so scared."_

_"It's just; I was never that person who believed in happy ever after. Nobody ever really gave me a reason to believe in it. My reality in life is that people leave. Everybody leaves and…"_

_"Ellis had to live with the guilt until the day she died, Derek..."_

_Meredith is carrying a big weight of guilt on her shoulders when there is no need as she is the innocent one in all of this…_

_She slipped through me and Adele's fingers once Max was dead…_

_We lost our daughter…_

_I haven't been sleeping…._

_I didn't want anybody thinking I was weak…_

_'I love you'…_

_"You can't do this to me,"_

_"They don't happen that often and I haven't had one as bad as that in a year or so."_

…_'this is why I can't see me and you having the happily ever after … because according to you I can't do things myself…I knew the moment I told you about Max you would try and cocoon me from everything and everybody in life'…_

_You can't stand there and lecture me about upsetting Meredith when, lets face it, you did a great job of that all on your own…_

_'What's your excuse for abandoning Meredith?'_

…_'you abandon her after her wife shows up. You abandon her after she drowns and I'm guessing you had to abandon her when it came to competing for chief and the question there is did you go back to Meredith after you were unsuccessful'…_

Derek couldn't help but think that maybe Thatcher was right. It's not something he wanted to admit to himself or anyone else for that matter but he knew the straight comments he had given him were true. It wasn't the best thing for Derek's ego to think that he was being slatted by a man who abandoned his wife and daughter on Christmas Day but truth be told, some of his points were valid.

Derek knew he couldn't head home to Meredith until things were slightly clearer in his head. There was no denying that he always worried about Meredith but he knew if he went home at that moment in time, then she would be able to see the worry and fear in his eyes and that is the last thing she needed. He was aware that he really needed to talk to somebody. However, Derek couldn't as it would mean breaking her trust and that was a road he refused to go down until something finally dawned on him and he discovered exactly who he could talk to feel better. He knew exactly where he needed to be.

…_'He is buried in the crematorium nearest the hospital. I try and go around three times a week…You probably think I'm crazy but I talk to him'…_

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

It took Derek approximately fifteen minutes to get to his destination, stopping off at a local garage to buy a bunch of flowers. Derek knew he shouldn't have been going without Meredith, but he knew that now wasn't the right time for her, especially with her being so exhausted.

As Derek drove through the streets of Seattle to get there, all he could think about was the past year and a half with Meredith, trying to think of anything that maybe happened, or if something was said that indicated that Meredith had a child. He wondered if when Meredith spoke about the sick baby in the NICU while they watched Alison, the rape victim, should have been an indication. She spoke about how innocent he was and how no one had damaged him yet. Should that have been some sort of sign or indication to him?

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

A shiver went down Derek's back when he reached his final destination. An unsettling feeling came over him as he stared at Max's grave in the freezing cold, midnight light.

"I don't really know how this works," he began, crouching down in front of the gravestone. "This is going to sound crazy but I felt as if I needed to come here and talk to you. You see, I'm Derek Shepherd, your mum's boyfriend. I know she has talked to you about me and I'm guessing the stuff you have heard has probably got you worried about your mum after everything I've said and done to her."

Derek paused wondering what to say next.

"I just want you to know that I love your mum very much. I would never do anything intentionally hurt her. We have been through so much together. I love her more than life itself Max and I know she loves me…it's just that she's frightened of loving me or even allowing herself to love me because she thinks that she would be betraying you."

Derek felt his emotions get the better of him so he took a minute to compose himself before he continued.

"Your mum is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She's an extraordinary surgeon, a beautiful woman, a kind and caring person. She's an amazing friend to everyone in her life. She's so selfless and I can't help but wonder who she got that off of because it certainly wasn't your grandparents. They never treated your mum right Max. They were too caught up in their own lives to care about her."

He felt anger fill him as he spoke of Thatcher and Ellis, but knew he had to brush it aside.

"Anyways, I'm not here to talk about them. I'm here to talk about your mum," he softly spoke, tears in his eyes.

"She would have been the best mother in the world to you Max. She would have done anything and everything to make sure you were happy," he smiled at the thought. "Well, she was and she did."

"It's wrong that you were both robbed of your time together. She knows the little time you had together was precious. She loves you so much Max. This brings me to the reason why I am here Max," he stated clearly a bit shaken.

"I want you to know that…that…that I love her. She's the love of my life and I'm going to take good care of her. She will always be priority in my life."

"I have never met a woman like your mum before. Did you know she opened her home for her friends to stay because they had nowhere else to go? She has been a loyal best friend to Christina. Although, between me and you, Christina isn't my most favourite person in the whole world…In saying that, I owe Christina a lot because she was there for Meredith when I couldn't be. She stood by your mum through thick and thin."

"I want to marry your mum Max. I want to spend the rest of my life with her; loving her, making up for all my mistakes, making her happy. The last thing I want you to do is worry about her. I'll make sure she's happy, if it's the last thing I do on this earth. I will spend every day telling her how much I love her, as well as making up for all my stupid, idiotic mistakes which really hurt your mum. I don't think I need to tell you how strong and stubborn she is."

Derek had tears streaming down his face as the emotions were finally getting the better of him. The night was extremely cold but he didn't care. He was here now and he had things he needed to say.

"I love your mum with all my heart Max. I love how her hair smells of lavender from her conditioner. I love how she rambles and fidgets with her watch when she's nervous. I love her beautiful green eyes that sparkle when she smiles. She doesn't smile that often but when she does, it lights up the whole room. I love working with her. She's so smart and funny. I know she is going to make an incredible surgeon Max. Her intelligence overwhelms me."

"On her first day as an intern, we were all baffled by this sixteen year old girl's case. Your mum managed to diagnose the problem and save her life."

Derek pauses for a moment, thinking of what he wanted to say next. He felt as if his head was going to explode with everything he wanted to tell Max about.

"Your mum is suffering from exhaustion at the moment Max but I am going to take good care of her. You don't need to worry. Leave that part to me. I'll make sure she gets plenty of rest. Lots of T.L.C is in order. She has put everybody else before herself and now it has come to the point where she has to put herself first which I think is going to be easier said than done. I've booked us a week away hoping it will be easier for her to just get her away from the routine she is in here. Getting her out of Seattle, spending some time alone together will do her the world of good," he smiled before looking at his watch.

"It's getting late Max and I really should get back to your mum. She will be beginning to wonder where I am. Just so you know, I would have loved to see you grow up, be able to kick a ball about with you and love to watch your mum make a big fuss over you," he softly spoke.

"I know there is one thing I don't need to tell you and that is that you are very much loved. You are your mum's world Max but you're also mine too. I know that I never got to see you before…" he hesitated, feeling tears come to his eyes again.

"…before…before your passing. I want you to know that I love you so much. How couldn't I? You are a big part of my life, in a way, as well as your mum's. I'll always see you as mine Max…you…you are very much loved Max."

"Don't worry about your mum Max. I'll look after her. I promise you that," he stated firmly to make his point known.

"I love you little man," he whispered, releasing a sob.

He took a moment to compose himself before turning around to walk back to his car.

"Ahh!" Derek jumped back slightly startled.

As he turned, he came face to face with a rather elderly woman. The last thing he expected to see in a grave yard at midnight.

"Oh. I'm sorry dear. I didn't mean to scare you," she smiled.

"That's ok," he replied, looking slightly bewildered. "Well, I uh….better be going."

However, as Derek began to walk away, the old woman began to speak.

"You must be Derek," she stated confidently, giving him a big smile as he turned to face her in shock.

"How…how do you know my name?" he asked.

"Meredith talks about you all the time. I've heard so much about you," she spoke softly.

"Oh," he responded, sounding surprised.

"Don't worry," she assured. "I've only heard good things about you."

"Ha," he laughed nervously. "I find that hard to believe."

"I'm Nora by the way," she told him, out stretching her hand for him to shake.

"Derek Shepherd," he nodded, shaking her hand.

"It's very nice to finally meet you. I know Meredith through circumstances," she informed him.

"Circumstances?" he queried, curiously.

"Well, I prefer saying that than 'we met in a graveyard as our sons' gravestones are near each other'," she told him.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he replied, feeling guilty.

"Don't be," she smiled. "Meredith is such a lovely woman," she stated, changing the subject.

"Yeah, she is," he smiled at the thought of her. "I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Thank you," she whispered. "It was an awfully long time ago now. I hope you don't think I'm a nosey old busy body but I couldn't help overhear, is Meredith ok?"

"Yeah," he sighed and then realised he would have to elaborate to appease the woman's concern's that were written all over her face. "Well, she should be. She just needs to rest. A lot of T.L.C," he assured her.

"Oh, that's good. Can I assume that you are back together?" she asked with a huge grin on her face. "For good?"

"Uh…yes, I suppose so," he replied, wondering how much she knew. "There's a lot to work through but we'll get there."

"Well, relationships are never easy but you'll make it. I'm really happy for you both and I hope you don't think I'm out of line for saying that I'm glad she finally told you," she said.

"How…"

"Like I said, Meredith talks about you all the time," she interrupted. "She was convinced that not telling you about Max was best for you. She takes the promise she made to Max before he died very seriously. And so she should, but that doesn't mean that she can't move on, be happy, get married and have children, which she so desperately wants."

"And she told you she wants these things?" he asked, knowing how important the answer was.

"She's holding back on her own happiness, thinking it's what she needs to do for Max and in the long run, what is ultimately best for you. She dreamt all of those things but now she won't allow herself to even dream of them."

"Why?" he asked, confused.

"Because the only person that she can truly see any of those dreams coming true with; is with you. And now…well…now, she won't even allow herself to dream of those things with you because in her reality, its best to let you go. In the long run, you can find someone else to settle down with, fall in love with and have happily ever after with. She thinks this is in your best interest," Nora explained.

"So, she tells you everything?" he smiled, half joking.

"More than Christina," she stated, as a matter of fact.

Derek was gob smacked.

"Nora laughed at the shocked expression on Derek's face. He was beyond shocked.

"Derek, when you visit a grave as much as Meredith and I do, and you see the same person over and over again, you begin talking and sharing life stories and experiences," she smiled at him. "It certainly helps when you are in or have experienced similar circumstances," she added.

"Yeah, I suppose it does," he replied. "Can I ask…can…No, you know what, it doesn't ma…."

"I know that you and Meredith met in the bar across from Seattle Grace Hospital," she began, sensing what he wanted to ask.

"I know about Addison and Finn. I know all about prom and Thatcher, Susan and Lexie. I know about Christina's wedding or non-wedding as Meredith refers to it as. I know that you are the love of Meredith's life. I know that her mum was the famous Ellis Grey and all about her affair with the Chief of surgery….Eh…What else? Oh, I know you don't get along with Christina and she tries to make it extremely difficult for you to be with Meredith," she explained, laughing at Derek's baffled expression.

"We all make mistakes Derek and it's always much harder to accept when those mistakes hurt the ones we love," she assured him.

"Yeah, tell me about it," he whispered with a whole lot of guilt etched in his voice.

"Meredith isn't completely innocent when it comes to your relationship Derek," she reassured him. "And she knows it."

"Do you think Meredith still wants a happily ever after with me? Especially, after everything that's happened between us?" He questioned her nervously.

"Without a shadow of a doubt," she answered firmly.

Derek couldn't help but smile at the thought.

"You really love her, don't you?" Nora asked, smiled knowingly.

"Yes, I really do," he admitted. "She's my whole world."

"Can I ask you to do something for me Derek?" she asked innocently.

"Sure," he answered, slightly uncertain.

"Don't be too hard on her for not telling you about Max until now," Nora advised. "She really did think it was in your best interest."

"How could it ever be in my best interest?" he queried.

"I think that's something you should be asking Meredith," she answered hesitantly.

Both Derek and Nora noticed how the sky looked as if it was about to open in the dark night.

"Well, it's getting extremely late, Can I offer you a…well can I first ask what you're doing here so late on your own?" he prodded gently.

"I'm actually flying out to Scotland to visit my daughter for six weeks. My flight leaves at four a.m. so I came here before heading to the airport. I always stop off here before I visit my daughter. Guilt of leaving for so long comes with the territory. Meredith, actually said she would drop by once or twice to make sure…I must sound…"

"No, actually, you sound like a loyal and devoted mother. I'll be with Meredith over the next few weeks so we'll both keep our eye out. Now, how about I go and wait in the car while you speak to your son and then I give you a lift to the airport," he offered. "It's the least I could do."

"Oh, no, don't be silly. I was just going to get a cab. It's…"

"I will not here of it," Derek insisted. "I'll be in the jeep over there. Just take your time," he smiled, walking towards the car.

In the car, Derek tried calling Richard's cell phone and Meredith's but it was out of range. It didn't worry him though as he knew she was in safe hands with the Chief watching over her.

Ten minutes later, the rain was coming down heavy and Derek was driving Nora to the airport. He discovered that Meredith met Nora's daughter in the N.I.C.U as her granddaughter and Max were born a couple of days apart. It wasn't until Meredith started working at Seattle Grace that they started bumping into each other.

"So how is the adjustment from life from 'the Big Apple' to Seattle?" Nora asked, making conversation.

"It's certainly different," he chuckled. "Life here is what I always wanted in life."

"Including all the rain?" she asked incredulously.

"Well, that I could take or leave," he confessed.

"Meredith loves the rain. I think it's something about being born here," Nora admitted. "A bit like my husband and I," she added.

"Are you both from Seattle?" Derek queried.

"Yes. We met in High School. Fell in love in English Lit," she smiled, as if she was in her own day dream.

"Do you mind if I asked what happened to him?"

"Who? My husband?" she laughed.

Derek quickly turned and nodded.

"My husband is in Scotland already. He's a War Veteran. He often gets asked to lecture in different schools' and universities'. He was asked to do a lecture in some of the Uni's in Scotland so he flew out earlier this month to stay with Stephanie and I agreed to fly out and meet him later. One of my best friend's sons got married yesterday and I promised I'd help with the arrangements and I'd be there for the wedding. That's why I'm only flying out now," she explained as Derek pulled in to the doors of the Airport.

"Thank you so much Derek." Nora smiled with gratitude at Derek.

"Wait a sec…What about your suitcases?" Derek questioned, watching everybody enter the airport.

"Oh, most of my holiday stuff is at Stephanie's. The pro's of staying at relatives when you're on holiday. Anything else is in this carry on or I can buy when I'm over there," she assured him.

"Ok," Derek answered, stepping out of the car and going round to Nora's side to help her out.

"Thank you so much Derek," she whispered as he helped her out of the car. "And listen, please tell Meredith to get well and we can catch up over coffee when I get back."

"I will," he assured, giving her a hug to show his appreciation.

"And remember what I said Derek, take care of her and don't be too hard on her," she whispered. "You guys are going to make it. Don't worry."

"Ok. Listen; here is my card with my cell and home number. If you and your husband need collected when you get back then you just give me a call. Please don't hesitate," Derek smiled.

"We won't. Thank you very much Derek." Nora gave Derek a peck on the cheek to say thank you. "It really was lovely to finally meet you."

"You too," Derek agreed. "Just be sure to have a fab holiday and thank you for tonight."

"And you Derek. Now on you go. Go home to that beautiful woman of yours," she smiled.

"Enjoy Scotland Nora. I hope the weather is nicer there than it will be here," he smiled, stepping back into the car.

"Bye Derek," she waved.

With that, Derek drove off, waving back.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

Derek got back to the trailer at 1.20am and began to panic before he even parked his jeep as the Chief's car was nowhere in sight. Entering the trailer, he suddenly felt cold.

Meredith was nowhere to be seen.

Richard was nowhere to be seen.

He couldn't see any of Meredith's stuff anywhere. All he could see were the specks of blood on the bottom of the bed sheets.

What the hell had happened?


	12. Declarations

Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Secrets Never Shared.

Declarations

Meredith couldn't wait around any longer. After finding out from Lexie that Derek had left them hours ago, all she could think of doing was going home, which she did because she felt that there must have been some reason that Derek didn't want to come home to her. She knew he was mad at her for not telling him about Max. She knew he was being typical Derek because she was so upset and so tired. He wouldn't argue or get at her for keeping him a secret.

She literally couldn't stop shaking. Her hands wouldn't stop shaking as she held the phone to her ear to call the taxi. Her legs wouldn't stop shaking as she got up from the bed to gather all her belongings together. She made sure that she collected all of her stuff as she was sure that she wouldn't be coming back to the trailer. That thought sent a whole shockwave through her body causing her to tumble and hit her hip bone off the kitchen unit.

She heard the toot of the taxi's horn, indicating that it had arrived. All of a sudden, she felt as if she couldn't breathe, like being in Elliot Bay once again. She was being suffocated. The trailer was representing everything that she could have had but had managed to lose it all with one secret.

One devastating secret.

She always wanted to tell Derek about Max but truth be told, there never felt like the right time, especially when they became serious, before Addison showed up. Her mum's words would always play in her mind and as time went on, it was harder to tell Derek. She now felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for the relief she felt when she told him.

Meredith took one last look around the trailer before taking her stuff outside and getting in to the taxi where she would go home and hide for the next three weeks.

The cab driver would not shut up the moment she got into the car. If she was actually paying attention to what the guy was saying, she wouldn't have been able to get a word in edge ways, which was a blessing in disguise considering she spent the whole ride home staring out the window, with Max and Derek on her mind.

Ten minutes after getting in the cab. Blackness set in.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

Derek made his way to Seattle Grace Hospital, convinced that Richard would have had to rush Meredith there. Convinced that the little bit of blood he found at the trailer was Meredith's, he knew that something was wrong.

He drove like a maniac and reached Seattle Grace under an hour which at any other time he would have thought to be impossible. He needed to be by her. He needed to know she was ok.

When he ran inside the hospital, he ran straight onto the elevator and came face to face with the last person he needed to see. Considering it was three o'clock in the morning, he hardly thought about running into anyone. Especially, Christina Yang.

"What the hell happened to Meredith today?" Christina demanded with a scowl on her face as the elevator doors closed.

"Nice to see you too Yang," he whispered rather distracted.

"She collapsed from exhaustion didn't she?" she asked with a soft tone to her voice.

Derek whirled round with shock from what Christina had just asked.

"You knew?" He asked incredulously, anger setting in. "You knew she wasn't sleeping? You knew she was running herself into the ground?"

"Hey," she snarled defensively. "You have no right to take that tone with me! I tried to tell her! I was with her every night, talking to her, listening to her, hoping that the nightmares would stop…."

"Nightmares?" he queried. Did she know? "You know about Max don't you?" Derek felt rage within him.

"Max?" she questioned curiously.

Derek knew from the expression that crossed over her face as soon as he asked, she didn't know. Oh Shit!

"Uh…"

"Look, can you just tell me if Meredith is ok?" she asked as they arrived on the surgical floor.

"No," he sighed. "But she will be."

"Look, Derek," she began quietly so no one would hear. "I don't like you. I don't like what you did to Meredith and the damaged you caused…But here's the thing- she is using every part of her being to forgive you. She loves you and god only knows why but she does. She loves you. So I guess what I'm trying to say is…."

"Christina…"

"Don't hurt her!" she said with great emphasis, telling Derek how serious she was. "Just…just don't hurt her."

Derek could only nod while trying to think of a response.

"I'm taking her away for a while," he stated. Christina looked at him, curious as to what he meant. "The chief is giving the two of us three weeks off as she collapsed earlier on. She's anaemic and suffering from a bad case of exhaustion. She just needs to get away from this place and to be able to relax. Somewhere she has no expectations…"

"She feels she has expectations with you." Christina bluntly stated, interrupting him.

"What do you mean?" he asked rather shocked.

"That something she should be telling you. If you guys are serious about making sure your relationship works then you are going to have to communicate with one another," she answered smugly.

"Relationship advice? From you?" he queried, stunned. "From Yang?" he smiled, emphasising her name to show the humour.

"Hey!" she defended. "I'm her best friend."

"I'm her boyfriend," he replied with a sense of pride in using that title.

"But for how long this time? There are hundreds of nurses and female doctors in this hospital Derek. You told people you were back on the market again." She stated as if it was a matter of fact.

Derek winced.

"I love her Christina," he told her sincerely. "I know you don't believe that. I know it's going to take a lot for you to believe that but I do. I love her. She confided a lot in me yesterday. She actually trusted me enough to tell me some things that happened in the past that I needed to know and she needed to get off her chest. I love her and I'm not leaving her," he whispered with confidence, looking her in the eye. "However, I know you don't believe me so if I do happen to hurt her in any tiny or massive way; which I won't, then you have my permission to beat me to a pulp. I won't even attempt to defend myself."

Christina thought for a second.

"Ok," she half smiled.

"Ok?" he questioned.

"Yeah, ok." she conceded. "But if you hurt her in the slightest…"

"Then you can kill me and make it look like an accident," he replied.

"Ok," she half smiled. "Tell Meredith that I'll drop by in the morning to see her before she goes."

"We don't leave until Monday," he said.

"Ok," she half smiled, turning to walk away.

"Christina?" he called her back.

"Yeah?" She turned to look at his concerned face.

"I get that there is a code of silence and secrecy when it comes to your friendship with Meredith but if you discover that Meredith hasn't been sleeping for months and she is suffering for whatever reason and she can't bring herself to tell me, please encourage her to. Please come and give me some form of clue that something isn't right. Or if I come to you worried about her and you know something is wrong, don't brush my worries aside by telling me she's fine or that you have it under control because like it or not, I'm part of the family now. Meredith needs all of us," he told her firmly.

"Deal," she stated, holding out her hand which Derek shook.

"Deal," he responded.

"Tell Meredith I'll come to the house after my shift tomorrow."

"Actually, we might be at the trailer," he informed her. "A place you are always welcome. I'll get her to text you of where we are tomorrow afternoon."

"Ok. Thanks," she whispered and then ran off as she received a 911 page.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

Derek ran to the Chief's office hoping he would find him in there and that is exactly where he did find him.

"Where is she?" he demanded as soon as he stepped foot in the older man's office.

"Derek?" the old man questioned, looking up from his laptop. "Where's who? Meredith?"

"Yeah. Of course Meredith!" he sighed exasperated. "Where is she? What room has she been taken to? Are they doing tests? What exactly happened?"

"Woah! Woah!" the chief hollered, standing from his desk chair and putting both hands out to ask Derek to stop. "What do you mean what happened and what room she's been brought to? Was she rushed in?"

"No," Derek answered, looking and sounding rather baffled. "Where's Meredith, Richard?"

"I left her sound asleep at the trailer as I was paged 911. She told me she would be ok," Richard answered with a guilty look on his face.

"What do you mean you left her Richard? And how the hell could she tell you she would be ok if she was sound asleep?" He spat angrily.

"Well she…"

"What time did you leave her at? Do you have any idea what happened? I found blood on the floor near the bed and a little on the sheets! Do you …What the hell happened to your forehead?" Derek rambled as he stepped closer to Richard and caught sight of his bruised head.

"I…uh…"

"Richard?" Derek questioned suddenly feeling nervous as to what Richard's answer was going to be.

"Uh… Meredith was sound asleep and well…she woke up to find someone…uh...me rummaging in the closet and knowing it wasn't you and unaware it was me, she managed to grab the frying pan from the kitchen and as I turned she hit me over the head with it." The old man whispered as he kept his head bowed down, not able to look Derek in the eye.

The room was then filled with Derek's laughter. Taking one look at Derek, Richard couldn't help laughing too.

It took a while for Richard to stop but once he composed himself, he was able to talk calmly. "It wasn't funny Derek. You should have seen the look in Meredith's eyes. She got such a fright," he spoke softly, having the image of Meredith's frightened eyes glued in his head.

"Was she ok?" he questioned with a hint of desperation to his tone.

"Yes, we sat down and talked for a while and then I got the page. I didn't think you would be that much longer. It's now the early hours of the morning Derek. Where were you?" Richard asks baffled.

"It's a long story," Derek sighed, sinking into the chair across from the chief. "What do you think has happened?"

"You want the truth?" He asked hesitantly.

"Truth," Derek nodded.

"I'm guessing that you didn't call Meredith to tell her you were going to be really late because you didn't want to risk waking her so you left it. However, Meredith woke to an empty bed and to discover you were nowhere in sight. Thinking you didn't want to come home, she found a way to get to her own home," Richard answered, seeing the panic in Derek's eyes.

"Shit!" he cursed. "I tried calling her mobile but there was no answer."

"She's got the wrong end of the stick Derek. Go and tell her you love her. It will all work out Derek…."

"Chief!" Christina Yang bellowed as she came barging into his office.

"What is it Yang?" he bellowed angrily, not appreciating disturbance.

"Sir, Dr Shepherd." She nodded at them both. Van ran red light through intersection and smashed into the side of a car, then smashing both vehicles into a tree. The two passengers of the car are alive thanks to some miracle. The man and passenger in van died on impact. They need help on the seen as they suspect a lot of serious damage to those in the car but the problem is the vehicle is wedged between the van and the tree," she informed both men while trying to catch her breath.

"Ok," Chief answered. "Go get yourself ready and rally up the troops available to go and make sure the nurse at the desk pages everybody appropriate to get here to help once we get both patients here. They are probably going to need immediate surgery."

"Yes Chief," she whispered, running off to find her interns.

"Derek? Would you be able to get on seen with Yang while I rally all the troops here?" he asked seeing Derek's hesitation. "You know you'll get half way to Meredith's before you get paged back here."

"Ok," Derek sighed reluctantly. "Just one thing before I go Richard?"

"Sure," Richard nodded. "What's up?"

"Did Meredith cut you when she hit you?" Derek asked, hoping the answer would be yes.

"No," Richard answered, looking at Derek as if he had just asked him the most peculiar question he could have.

"Right," Derek nodded, suddenly feeling himself go cold again. "Thanks Richard."

"Derek…" Richard started but Derek was already out the door.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

Derek was changed and at the accident site within fifteen minutes. He tried to call Meredith's mobile, several times, on the way but it just rang out.

"Dr Shepherd!" An intern shouted while he came running at him as soon as he stepped out of the vehicle. It wasn't until she came closer, that he realised it was Lexie.

"Lexie," he acknowledged. "You got paged for this?"

"Yeah," she nodded as they walked towards the rest of the doctors.

"Was everything ok at home after I left?" Derek queried gently.

"Yes," she nodded. "Did Meredith finally get hold of you? She phoned looking for you…"

"She did?" Derek asked, stopping in his tracks. "How did she seem?"

"She was fine until I told her that you left ours a few hours before hand," Lexie confessed sheepishly.

"Oh god," Derek groaned.

"I'm sorry Derek," she whispered. "I didn't mean to cause trouble for you."

"It's ok," he smiled sadly. "It's not your fault. Who's at the house now with Thatcher?"

"Molly," she nodded.

"Can you do me a favour?" He asked, wondering if Meredith had been to check on him.

"Can you phone and make sure Meredith isn't there? Or that she hasn't been there?" Derek asked gently.

"Ok," she nodded. "But I doubt…"

"Please Lexie," Derek pleaded.

"Ok," she shrugged, sensing Derek's urgency for her to do it. "The driver of the cab is awake and talking. We can't tell if the female passenger is alive. She's really difficult to get to because the van hit her side. They've asked us to step back and wait until they try and move the van," she informed him as they walked towards the rest of the medical team from Seattle Grace.

"Ok, we know they probably both have severe head injuries and we can assume there will be internal bleeding. So we better be ready to act fast to get them to Grace as soon as possible if either have any chance of survival," he told the whole team, knowing he would be looked on to lead the team.

"Sir?" the intern next to Lexie Grey asked. "Does the female really have any chance here? Should our priorities be the male who actually has a better chance of survival?"

"As much as I understand where you are coming from, we need to wait and assess both injured parties and then take it from there," he answered.

He made sure the team had his full attention but he kept a close eye on Lexie as she made the phone call home. She was on the phone two seconds before she turned and shook her head at him and he could breathe a sigh of relief. It meant she didn't exert herself by going over to Thatcher's which would only result in an argument.

Derek watched as the Chief Fire fighter approached him.

"Are you Dr Shepherd?"

"Yes," Derek answered shaking the man's hand.

"I'm Darren Baker. I'm Seattle's Chief Fire fighter. The man is talking and responding well. He talks about pain in his head and his back. He's wedged against the tree but he should be easy to get out. However, the man's passenger, the female, as far as we can tell, has a pulse, but we can't tell how bad her injuries are as she's wedged against the van," he told Derek. "We think it would be easier for both involved if we remove the van before attempting to get either out."

"Wouldn't we be better getting the man out and then moving the van to get her out," Christina interrupted.

"I think we would put his life in an even bigger risk by doing that," he assured her.

"Ok," Derek conceded. "Do what you have to do and then we'll step in." Derek told the man before re-joining the team to watch the firemen at work.

Thinking it might be a few minutes, he pulled out his cell to attempt to call Meredith's number.

"What are you doing?" Christina whispered beside him.

"Going to give Meredith a call to tell her I'm going to be home much later," he answered her rather distracted.

Christina nodded at him.

The firemen were getting all equipment ready to move the van.

Derek hit the button to call Meredith's cell.

As it rang he heard a familiar ring tone coming from somewhere close. It was so close to him.

It was just like Meredith's ring tone.

Then it hit him.

The sound was coming from the car and as the phone went to answer machine and the sound from the car stopped, all he heard from beside him as he tried to remind himself to breath was "Oh God!"


	13. Sweet Dreams

Disclaimer; I do not own Grey's Anatomy because if I did, Owen would be nicer to Meredith and there would be Grey's Anatomy episodes all year round.

Note: I'm back after a short hiatus to enjoy the Xmas break! I hope you all had a good Xmas and I hope 2011 brings you a lot of happiness. This chapter took off in a different direction than I expected. I'm not too sure what I even think of it so I'd love to know what you think.

Enjoy….

Secrets Never Shared.

Sweet Dreams.

How the hell could this have happened?

It was five a.m. in the morning and instead of Meredith tucked up safe in Derek's bed with his arms wrapped around her, looking forward to getting organised to a break in the wine country and instead, she trapped in a car between a lorry and a tree.

Derek couldn't take his eyes off the crammed car as he heard Meredith's voicemail recording come from his cell phone. He ran towards the car but two arms went around him trying to hold him. He tried his best to fight whoever it was but the person behind him was determined to hold him back. Derek could see from the side of him that both Lexie and Christina were having the same trouble as two male residents fought to keep them back. As Derek continued to fight against the person behind him, he knew he would succeed because no one would ever be able to stop him from getting to his Meredith. No matter who or what he had to fight or how much he had to travel because when it comes to the woman you love, there is nothing you wouldn't do to be with them.

16 hours later…

Derek allowed the hot water to soak over him, so desperately wanting to feel something. Anything would do, as long as he felt something. Instead, all he could make sense of was the fact he was numb. He couldn't feel nor see anything. For him, everything looked black as if there was no light at the end of the tunnel and he knew he shouldn't have felt that way but how could he not?

He was exhausted. He couldn't think clearly or see straight. But the thing was that he didn't want to think. He just wanted to enjoy the hot water that was beating down on his exhausted body and switch off from the real world.

With the realisation that he was beyond stressed and worried, he allowed himself to sink to the bottom of the shower and welcomed the figment of his imagination to take over. He dreamt of the wish he had from the moment Meredith had told him about Max and Danny. The wish that it hadn't been Danny she met in college.

"_You're pregnant?" I stutter out in shock. _

"_Yes," she whispers reluctantly, tears running down her face. _

_Meredith is sitting in my bed right next to me yet I feel as if I'm far away from her, unable to reach her. How could this have happened? We were careful. We were always careful._

"_Are you ok?" I ask, unsure of what else to say. What were you suppose to say when you were told something like that?_

"_I…I…I have to go…."_

"_What?" I question her, completely stunned. Meredith was a runner. I knew that from the moment I met her but i couldn't allow her to run from this. If she walked out the door then I knew I would never see her again. I quickly grabbed her arm before she could move herself off my bed. I gave her hand a tight squeeze as I took her in. Her beautiful bright, green eyes that made me fall in love with her were blotched and baggy from the crying and from obviously being exhausted._

"_When did you find out?" I ask hesitantly. I had to be strong here. She needs me to be the strong one and come hell or high water, I was going to be that for her._

"_Uh…i…uh…this morning," she murmured, her whole body shaking as the tears had finally stopped streaming down her face._

_I really need her to look at me instead of our hands but she's doing everything to try and avoid contact with me._

"_Meredith," I sigh, feeling beyond worried and scared but I have to keep those feelings at bay for her sake. "Can you look at me please," I plead gently._

"_Why aren't you angry?" she asked in a whisper, keeping her eyes on our entwined hands._

"_Because I don't have any reason to be," I answered honestly. "Is that the way you're feeling? Are you angry?"_

"_No," she mumbled, finally looking me in the eye. She answered my question by looking me in the eye because what she is feeling is written all over her face._

"_You're scared," I stated simply, feeling like a complete idiot. _

"_How did this happen?" she asked me aloud, looking at me intently as if expecting an answer._

"_I...uh…I don't know Meredith," I shrugged, feeling incredibly guilty. "But the point now is that it has happened and we can't change that. All we can do now is decide how we want to handle this."_

_Meredith nodded her head at me in agreement and then suddenly choked on a sob as she tried to hold it back._

_I pulled her into my arms wanting desperately to comfort her. What else could I do?_

"_What are we going to do Derek," she sobbed into my chest._

"_I don't know," I whisper in her ear. "I honestly don't know but I think the best thing just know is to try and get over the shock of this."_

"_Hmm," she mumbled into my chest._

"_Whatever happens' Meredith, we will get through this," I assure her but even as I say the words, I know I don't mean them because something inside of me is telling me that it's not true._

"_You really believe that?" she asks, looking up at me with a small glimmer of hope in her eyes._

_How could I possibly dash that?_

"_Of course I do," I lie._

_What else could I do?_

"_I really want to run Derek," she confesses to me as she comes forward and curls her body into mine so I can hold her close to me. I love holding her like this because it feels like I can protect her form anything and everyone._

"_I know Meredith," I whisper, hoping I'm saying the right thing. "But you can't. We're a team so 'we' will figure this out."_

"_Ok," she sighs against my shoulder and I can tell she's finally giving in from exhaustion._

_We will figure this out. We are Meredith and Derek._

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

'_I'm pregnant.'_

_Shit!_

'_I'm pregnant.'_

_Shit!_

'_I'm pregnant.'_

_Shit!_

_An hour later and I was still trying to digest Meredith's words without allowing the word 'shit' to follow. What the hell are we supposed to do? What is my mum going to say? Oh god…What the hell is Ellis going to say? That woman will kill me if she can and knowing her, she will find a way. I'll just need to keep Meredith glued to my side. How pathetic do I sound? _

_No! Screw her! Ellis Grey will just have to accept what's happened. These things happen in life and there are things a lot worse in life than pregnancy. It should be seen as a blessing, no matter how complicated the circumstances._

_That's what doesn't make sense though. Meredith and I were always safe. We always were. Meredith and I always made sure that condoms were on our shopping list. We never ran out because we made sure to have an endless supply of condoms._

_How the hell did this happen?_

"_Meredith," I whisper quietly. She isn't asleep and I can tell from her soft breathing. Its volume goes several notches higher when she's sleeping and it hadn't been anywhere near loud for the past twenty minutes. "I know you're awake," I urge._

_Silence._

"_Meredith," I sigh, rubbing my tired face._

"_How long have I been asleep?" she mumbled into my shoulder._

"_A couple of hours," I whisper into her ear before stroking her hair and kissing her forehead._

"_Derek," she sighs, sitting up and moving off my body. "Have you been sitting there, with me in your arms for the past two hours?"_

_She looks at me incredulously that she makes me laugh, despite what's looming over our heads._

"_Yeah," I chuckle, leaning in to kiss her on the lips and she's quick to respond but then she makes a moan that I hadn't heard from her…especially when I kissed her. A moan of clear displeasure._

"_What's wrong?" I ask her, pulling back from her. She looks pale and tired and yet, somehow she manages to look glowing as well._

_Before Meredith could answer my question, she bolted off the bed and straight into the en-suite. I immediately followed. It was instinct. I found her on the floor, throwing up into the toilet. _

_Oh god! _

_I did what I was supposed to do. I held her hair with one hand, rubbed her back with my other and whispered soothing words of comfort into her ear. Meredith has to believe that this would be okay. I am going to make this okay._

_Finally, the throwing up stops and Meredith is back in my arms as we both sit on the cold, bathroom floor._

"_This sucks," she whispers into the silence._

"_Ditto," I agree. "How about I run out and get you some ginger ale and crackers? They're highly recommended when it comes to pregnancy."_

"_Pregnancy," she murmurs softly, clearly not listening to a word I am saying._

"_I'm pregnant," she whispers as I sigh._

"_Yes you are," I nod. "Meredith, do you know how far along you are?" I ask hesitantly. I hate feeling as if I'm pushing her but Meredith sometimes needs pushing._

_She just shrugs in response and I feel scared she's recoiling into herself._

"_Do you have any idea?" I continue to push softly._

"_I tried to work it out this morning. I think I'm about 6 weeks but I can't be sure because I really had myself worked up this morning," she mumbles into my chest._

"_Okay," I nod, pulling her even closer to me. "I'll make an appointment for an OBGYN tomorrow…"_

"_Not at Seattle Grace!" Meredith shouts, instantly pulling away from me to look at me through big, fearful eyes._

_She wouldn't want to go to Seattle Grace because her mother works there. What did she take me for?_

"_I know Meredith," I sigh, instantly feeling her pain. "I know. I'll make an appointment at Mercy West."_

_She nods, lost in thought._

"_Nobody has to know right now Meredith," I whisper. "Unless you want them to," I add quickly. _

_I don't want her thinking that I'm ashamed. Although I would rather we kept this to ourselves for a while._

_She nods and puts her tired head back in the place it's always belonged…the crook of my neck._

"_I'm going to take care of you Meredith Grey," I whisper into her ear. "And you had better get used to it."_

_Meredith sighs quietly into my neck and I know she believes me which is a relief. Suddenly I hear those words again…_

'_I'm pregnant.'_

…_and somehow, I don't feel so scared anymore._


End file.
